Why Narcissists Get Married

 

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Narcissists may get married for a variety of reasons, including:

• Validation and approval

  Narcissists may seek validation and approval from their spouses to boost their self-esteem.
• Supply

  A spouse provides a constant source of narcissistic supply, and narcissists cannot function without it.
• Image boosting

  Marriage can help narcissists boost their image.
• Money

  Narcissists may get married to get money from their partner or their partner's family.
• Social status

  Narcissists may get married to attain higher social status, such as marrying into a certain family or ethnic group.
• Ownership

  Narcissists may view marriage as ownership of a source of narcissistic supply, which their spouse is required to give them 24/7.
• Contract

  Narcissists may view marriage as a contract that proves they will never be alone or abandoned.
• Attention

  Weddings come with lots of attention, which may be appealing to narcissists. 

Narcissists may also marry people who are: Weak-minded, Submissive, People-pleasers, and Targets already vulnerable people. 

Some say that narcissists and people-pleasers may have a dynamic where one person maintains and asserts their power, while the other person does whatever they can to ensure that power stays in place. 

The narcissist fears abandonment, if you agree to marry them, the narcissist feels more secure and more in control. They need an assistant. The narcissist loves being taken care of. Having a spouse to a narcissist often means having a live-in house cleaner, chef, secretary, accountant, and errand-runner.

How to Identify and Escape a Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

The narcissist creates a sense of instant connection with you. They make you feel unique and wonderful, and put you on a pedestal. No matter what type of relationship it is—whether romantic, friendly, professional, or otherwise—it moves fast and has a fervent quality to it.

The narcissistic abuse cycle starts with idealization followed by devaluation, which then repeats until the narcissist eventually discards the person when they no longer have any use for them. This can be an emotionally devastating experience, so it is important to be able to recognize the signs it is happening.

Other common manipulation tactics that a narcissist may use during the idealization stage include faking empathy, showing excessive interest, making false promises, and mirroring the victim's words and actions.

Devaluation Stage

The devaluation stage, also known as the depreciation stage, comes next. It often starts slowly.

The narcissist will start dropping subtle hints that you've done something wrong, that you’ve forgotten something important, or that you've hurt their feelings. You'll start to feel insecure.

Some indicators include:

• Passive-aggressiveness
• Backhanded compliments
• Excuses for poor behavior
• Subtle criticism
• Stonewalling
• Mind games that seem harmless
• Name-calling
• No win-situations
• Lack of empathy and validation
• Comparisons to others
• Ridicule and humiliation

Repetition Stage

The devaluation stage can leave you feeling depressed, anxious, confused, and scared of losing your relationship with the narcissist. 

You might either try harder to please them or pull away from them to protect yourself. The narcissist will feel hurt and enraged at your attempts to distance yourself from them.

Then, the cycle of idealization and devaluation will start all over again. They will suddenly behave extremely nicely toward you, shower you with compliments, and make you feel valued again. However, as soon as you start to feel secure in the relationship, they will start to devalue you once more.

Mental Health Impact of the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

The narcissist will do things that leave you feeling—and often acting—unstable, then blame you and call you "crazy" for it, says Dr. Daramus.

According to Dr. Daramus, if narcissistic abuse goes on for long enough, a victim can end up with mental health conditions such as:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Dissociation
• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

A 2019 study notes that narcissistic abuse can even be fatal in some cases.3

Howard V. Recognising narcissistic abuse and the implications for mental health nursing practice. Issues Ment Health Nurs. 2019 Aug;40(8):644-654. doi:10.1080/01612840.2019.1590485

 The study concluded that narcissistic abuse can be extremely debilitating, so recovery can be a long and complex journey. 

Coping With the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

Dr. Daramus shares some steps that can help you prevent and cope with narcissistic abuse:

Give Your Relationships Time

The first step is to remember that real relationships, whether romantic, sexual, friendly, professional, or otherwise, usually start slowly. They develop over time, from mutual interest in each other to a stronger, more genuine connection. Be suspicious of instant love.

Be Clear About Your Boundaries

Know your boundaries and how you expect to be treated before you enter a new relationship. Be ready to set limits or walk away if someone develops a pattern of mistreating you.

Maintain a Record

If you suspect someone might be manipulating you, keep a record of your communication. Write things down. Find every excuse to do things by text or email. This can help if the other person tries to gaslight you and present an alternative version of events.

Keep Your Trusted Friends Close

The narcissist may try to drive a wedge between you and your loved ones. Try not to let it happen. When you start to wonder what's real, they can help you figure it out. 

Maintain Your Financial Independence

Try not to be financially dependent on the narcissist if you can help it. Obviously, that may not be possible if they're your employer. However, for other types of relationships, such as friendships or romantic relationships, having your own money is helpful when you’re getting ready to leave the relationship.

Read more in the link below:

https://www.verywellmind.com/narcissistic-abuse-cycle-stages-impact-and-coping-6363187

WHO IS TARGETED
Contrary to what their aggressors have others believe, victims are not, at the outset, particularly weak or mentally unhealthy individuals. Quite the opposite: harassment is often set in motion when a victim refuses to give in to a boss’s authoritarian procedures. She is targeted because of her capacity to resist authority, even under pressure. …

…The victim is stigmatized once the process of harassment gets going. They say she’s impossible to work with, has a terrible disposition, or even that she’s crazy. They attribute to her character the consequences of the conflict, forgetting what she was before or what she is now in another context. Pushed to the limit, she often becomes what the employer wants her to become

ISOLATION
Once the decision has been made to psychologically destroy an employee, in order to forestall any possible defense, the person must be isolated by breaking up potential alliances. It’s much more difficult to rebel if you’re alone, especially if you’ve been made to believe that everyone is against you. 

Excerpt from the book 

Stalking the Soul by Marie-France Hirigoyen Chapter about Emotional Abuse in the Work Place

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2022/11/abusive-procedures-emotional-abuse-in.html

How a Dying Narcissist Behaves and Treats Others

 

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https://youtube.com/shorts/s5AHUwxiLhM?si=-cj6KfeuBdc4dfsI

Yes, the narcissist punishment is living all of their lives and dying in an emotional prison.

"You can’t concentrate on external things and status symbols and be happy. You can’t be happy and abusive at the same time. You can’t mistreat and manipulate others and be happy. That’s not what real happiness is about.

Real happiness comes from within, from a strong sense of self, from growing as a human being, and from being a decent person. So if your core self is rotten, if you are severely disconnected, if you are not growing, and if you are a hurtful person, it’s impossible to be genuinely happy. The best you can do is desperately manage your shaky and skewed false self.

So what’s a malignant narcissist’s punishment? It’s their existence. It’s their inner prison. It’s waking up every day into their life that—despite possessions, power, and status symbols that they may have—they hate deep down. And then one day they die, and it’s all over. That’s the sad reality of a wasted and miserable life. And that’s their natural punishment." Read more at the link below:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2017/12/narcissists-punishment#1

An Educated Empath Is a Sociopath’s Worst Nightmare

I'm the sociopath's worst nightmare! I agree with almost everything the author of this article wrote. But I don't agree that some psychopaths, sociopaths, malignant narcissists, assholes, or whatever you like to call these evil people -- that they use their psychopath traits --- to help people -- these malignant people make sure all the good acts they do are in the public eye -- to cultivate a good image and gain power over others -- so if anyone dares to expose their true nature -- no one will believe them because they do so much "good"! Like I always say: most "helpers" are helping themselves! When there are no witnesses they enjoy hurting others -- they are sadists -- they don't care about anyone else but themselves. They only want good things for themselves! Hurting and destroying others' lives is their painkilling drug. It's an addiction that keeps their own childhood repression intact. Just like I wrote in my book A Dance to Freedom page 118: "... as long our pain remains repressed we will unconsciously and compulsively do to others what was once done to us."

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2017/10/the-games-people-play.html

Some people would push you off of a ledge just to catch you and say they saved your life. 

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2022/12/the-illusions-narcissist-creates.html

"I want to debunk the misconception that sociopaths and narcissists are smarter than empaths. To many people’s surprise, empaths are absolutely intellectually superior to sociopaths and narcissists. Empaths are grounded in reality, capable of abstract thought, and they are creative.

Narcissists and sociopaths lack all three of these traits. Empaths have the intellect and the creativity to manipulate and even exploit the narcissist 1000 times worse than they could ever imagine. Just because targets don’t exploit does not mean they can’t, or that they couldn’t, do an even better job than the sociopath.

Empaths don’t exploit narcissists or sociopaths because we have morals and values. And moreover, empaths are not in the business of hurting people.

I certainly don’t want targets to abuse their abuser, but I do want to encourage targets to start engaging in self-protection by utilizing their creativity to come up with nonviolent strategies to counter-manipulate narcissists into staying away from them. Counter-manipulation is used by targets to STOP the abuser from manipulating them. This is not something to feel guilty about, but it is, in fact, a very healthy behavior called self-care.

If you are a target, please remember, that you are smarter than the narcissist, because you are grounded in reality, and that in itself is a huge intellectual advantage.

I personally pity the fool who tries to mess with an enlightened empath full of self-knowledge!" Read more HERE

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2017/12/the-psychology-of-narcissism.html

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/search?q=Narcissists+nightmare

Toxic Mind Games Narcissists Play

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https://youtube.com/shorts/zrVdsx7iH_I?si=zg2gSVti9GDqzHTH

During the love-bombing or idealizing phase, they are trying to get you hooked, and once they think you are hooked, they will back off. Your reactions to their withdrawal of affection -- when you try to bridge the gap and return things like they were at the beginning of the relationship, this is a better supply to them than the love-bombing or idealized phase! The target who is yelling and fighting to get things on an even keel is priceless to the person playing mind games. 

This person never loved or liked us during the love-bombing or idealizing phase, but they are at least engaged and entertained in securing our affection "the game". They do not love us also during the devalue phase, but our reaction to the devalue phase is still nevertheless engaging and ego-boosting for them.

Building up and tearing down, it doesn't matter - it is all source of supply for the person playing games. All actions cause a reaction, and that constitutes the supply. When they don't get a reaction from their target, they move on and start the whole process with a new target. They never change, they will play this game forever, until they take their last breath. Sad. 

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/love-bombing

"Gaslighting is a form of persistent manipulation and brainwashing that causes the victim to doubt her or himself, and to ultimately lose their own sense of perception, identity, and self-worth. Gaslighting statements and accusations are usually based on blatant lies or exaggeration of the truth. The term is derived from the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a husband tries to convince his wife that she’s insane by causing her to question herself and her reality.

In its milder forms, gaslighting creates a subtle but inequitable power dynamic in a relationship, with the gaslightee subjected to the gaslighter’s unreasonable, rather than fact-based, scrutiny, judgment, or micro-aggression. At its worst, pathological gaslighting constitutes a severe form of mind-control and psychological abuse. Gaslighting can occur in personal relationships, with verbal, emotional, and/or physical hostility from one partner to the other; at the workplace, when a supervisor regularly and unfairly berates employees; or across an entire nation, as when commercial advertising or public figures make pronouncements that are clearly contrary to the public good." 

"It is hard to stand firm when one person is trying to replace your experience, but when they have a chorus of supporters, it is nearly impossible. There is a reason why cult abuse can lead to a complete breakdown of someone’s personality. Group manipulation and abuse is devastatingly effective. I cannot easily explain the level of shame and fear that a group you are deeply invested in can produce with a coordinated attack. We need to be very careful of this in poly groups so we do not exploit this power or unwittingly enable abuse.” 

Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse that involves manipulating someone into questioning their own reality. The gaslighter presents their own thoughts and feelings as the truth, and may lie repeatedly to control the other person. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/gaslighting

Malignant narcissists are social chameleons who can fit perfectly into any situation. They are experts at morphing their identities to get what they want and mirroring others for money, sex, and — most commonly — attention. Because of their ability to idealize others, malignant narcissists are often perceived as charming, innocent, and fun to unsuspecting onlookers and casual acquaintances. But there is another side to them. And once you see it, you can't unsee it.

Malignant narcissists like to surround themselves with emotionally blind people who can be easily manipulated and must get rid of anyone who can see through them. 

"The goal of an abusive individual is to gain or maintain power by whatever means possible or else to mask his own incompetence. 

In order to accomplish this, he must get rid of anyone who impedes his progress or sees through him."  

Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and Erosion of Identity by Marie-France Hirigoyen page 71

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/search?q=authoritarianism+

Triangulation is a psychological manipulation tactic where one person uses threats of exclusion or manipulation to divide and conquer. It's often done through indirect communication, often behind someone's back. The triangulator's goal is to avoid direct interactions by pitting two people against one another. Triangulation can be overt or insidious, and many people don't realize they've been triangulated until it's too late.

Triangulation is commonly found in people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and borderline personality disorder (BPD). For example, people with BPD may use triangulation to receive reassurance and avoid feelings of abandonment. They may do this by manipulating someone else to feel jealous, thereby proving their love and commitment to them. 

Triangulation can be a common tactic in toxic relationships or toxic friendships. It can also affect children's personality and their adolescent development. For example, in a romantic relationship, one partner might use manipulation tactics to create drama and control the other person. 

Learning assertive communication skills can help reduce the risk of triangulation. You can try practicing techniques to tactfully say what you mean and mean what you say, even if you have feelings of discomfort while doing so. Gaining confidence in sharing your feelings with people can be helpful and lead to healthy conflict resolution. 

https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2019/10/triangulation-and-narcissism#1

Playing the victim is a manipulation tactic that can make people feel powerless and weak by asking others for help. People who play the victim may:

• Take responsibility: They may not take responsibility for their actions, but instead blame others.
• Have limited empathy: They may blame others for their current situation, even when they are partly to blame.
• Hold grudges: They may hold onto old grievances and make others feel bad about their actions.
• Complain a lot: They may focus on things going wrong and lack, rather than the bigger picture.
• Deflect responsibility: They may deflect responsibility for how they made others feel.
• Compare themselves to others: They may blame others for failure and think of reasons why they will fail.

People who have a victim mentality may have suffered through trauma or hard times, but haven't developed a healthier way to cope. This can lead to a negative view of life, where they feel that they don't have any control over what happens to them. As a result, they may have little or no sense of responsibility for their lives. Read More HERE

Dry begging is a psychological manipulation tactic that narcissists use to get what they want without directly asking for it. For example, a narcissist might send a message like, "You never care about me" or "I'm so hurt that you're not here for me when I need you". These messages aim to make you feel responsible for their emotions, even when it's unwarranted.

Here are some other examples of dry begging:

• Shaming and belittling
• Hidden grandiose superiority
• Feelings of disregard toward others
• Gaslighting
• Self-deprecating superiority
• Emotionally inaccessible to others
• Hypersensitivity 

Narcissists often lack empathy, and may be envious of others or believe that others are envious of them. They may also show arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes. 

Some ways to challenge a narcissist's sense of superiority include: using words like “no,” “accountability,” “consequences,” and “empathy, setting boundaries, and standing up for yourself.

https://wasitme.blog/2023/07/08/the-narcissists-dry-begging-behaviours/

Blame shifting is a manipulative tactic that involves someone trying to avoid responsibility for their actions by blaming someone else. It can be a form of verbal abuse that's meant to make the target feel guilty or ashamed.

Here are some examples of blame-shifting:

• Comforting a partner instead of dealing with an issue
• Shifting the focus to how someone was confronted instead of the problem
• Blaming someone for something they allegedly did
• Pretending something was a joke
• Saying someone is too thin-skinned
• Gaslighting 

Some techniques used while shifting blame include: Minimizing, Playing the victim, and Pretending to not be at fault. 

Blame shifting can be a common tactic in narcissistic abuse.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/202302/verbal-abusers-and-the-fine-art-of-the-blame-shift

Emotional manipulation is a type of psychological manipulation that involves controlling someone's emotions. It's often done through persuasion, coercion, or emotional blackmail. Emotional manipulation is a type of emotional abuse that commonly occurs in toxic relationships or abusive relationships.

Some signs of emotional manipulation include:

• Exploiting a relationship: The manipulator may use tactics to create an imbalance of power, such as always meeting in their own space.
• Probing questions: The manipulator may ask probing questions to establish control and use your answers to manipulate your decisions.
• Sharing secrets: The manipulator may share their darkest secrets and vulnerabilities to make you feel special.
• Making you feel guilty: The manipulator may try to make you feel guilty for your feelings.
• Consistently making you feel drained: The manipulator may consistently make you feel emotionally drained, anxious, fearful, or doubtful of your own needs, thoughts, and feelings.
• Undermining self-esteem: The manipulator may consistently undermine your self-esteem.
• Adopting a victim mentality: The manipulator may adopt a victim mentality to evoke sympathy.
• Gaslighting: The manipulator may use gaslighting techniques to sow doubt in your perception. 

Other manipulative behavior includes: Passive-aggressive behavior, Lying and blaming, Threats and coerciveness, Withdrawal and withholding, and Isolation. 

Emotional manipulation can be hard to detect. You can follow your gut instinct when it comes to recognizing what is occurring. 

Long term effects of emotional manipulation include:

• Isolation and numbness
• Feeling little to nothing at all, even in situations that should make you joyful
• Feeling hopeless and damaged, unable to ever feel emotions again. Read more HERE

Future faking is a manipulative tactic where someone makes false promises about the future to get something in the present. The goal is to make the other person believe the person making the promises is more invested in the relationship than they actually are. Future faking is often used by narcissists or toxic people to get off scot-free, delay a commitment, obtain resources, or avoid a conflict.

Future faking can happen in any type of relationship, but is more common in romantic relationships. For example, a future faking person might say "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" or "I want to marry you". They may also use future faking to distract you when you are starting to feel discontent about the relationship. 

Future faking can impact relationships in the following ways: Erosion of trust and communication, Insecurity, and Impact on self-esteem. 

Some examples of future faking include:

• "I want to spend the rest of my life with you"
• "I want to marry you"
• "We'll go to Hawaii on our honeymoon"
• "I can see us settling down together, having two kids, and being very happy in the country"  Read more HERE 

Hoovering is a type of emotional abuse or blackmail where a narcissistic person uses manipulative behaviors to pull someone back into an abusive relationship. This can include apologies, promises, love bombing, stalking, threats of suicide, or violence. 

Hoovering can occur when the abuser feels unworthy and fears losing the relationship. Some signs of being hoovered include:

• Being manipulated back into a relationship against your will
• Twisting the conversation
• Declaration of love
• Repentance
• Threatening to harm themselves
• Using others to get to you
• Excessive gifts
• Overpromising
• False crises 

Hoovering can quickly escalate to more dangerous territory. For example, a narcissist might:

• Seem apologetic and make promises about changing
• Use qualifiers that show they still hold you responsible for their behavior and actions
• Suddenly express remorse
• Use this tactic to give the illusion of change and convince the victim that things will be different if they return 

Someone who has actually changed will acknowledge the hurt they've caused or take behavioral steps like therapy. 

https://psychcentral.com/relationships/hoovering#definition

Narcissistic abuse is called hidden abuse for a reason. Many cannot see it and don't see it. It happens behind closed doors. It happens mostly to the spouse/significant other and/or close family or coworker. It doesn't happen all the time. It's a cycle. A narcissist can seem very healthy and together as a person to most. You know the truth. 

https://youtube.com/shorts/mlvs3xF9MPE?si=K53SoSNTUPxCYfA3

The thing that is really unfortunate is, that most people don't learn about narcissistic abuse until after they have been through it. Even if they saw information on narcissism, it sounds so insane, that people don't believe or overlook this information. Gaslighting, conditioning, wearing masks, deception and more, are all a part of narcissistic abuse. Would you have believed all of this if you didn't go through it? Would you have understood the terminology? Most people don't believe people like this exist. Most people don't learn about it until it happens to them. That is what is so unfortunate not everyone is interested in learning about this until it actually applies to them. -Maria Consiglio

"Imagine being bit by a  snake and instead of trying to help yourself heal and recover from the

 poison, you are trying to catch the snake to find out the reason it bit you and prove to it that you didn't deserve that." Read that again!

I once loved someone so much that I tried to fix them while they were trying unconsciously or consciously to break me.

https://hackspirit.com/things-a-narcissist-will-do-when-you-stand-up-to-them/

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