This blog is about learning to understand all of our feelings and learning to consciously face, feel, and experience all of our feelings within the context of our own childhood.
Everything we become and everything that happens to us is connected to childhood. Not every victim becomes an abuser, but every abuser was once a victim of abuse. These are facts. Violence is not genetic; it’s learned.
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2014/08/a-dance-to-freedom-book-reviews.html
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query emotional abuse in the work place. Sort by dateShow all posts
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query emotional abuse in the work place. Sort by dateShow all posts
Since writing this blog, exactly a year later, my ex-boss, who the property manager recruited to do her dirty work, killed himself in a standoff with the local police after robbing a bank on March 11, 2016, which by coincidence was my birthday! So, the property manager does have blood on her hands after all, because I know without a doubt if she had not started this psychological warfare against me, he would still be alive – he was her collateral damage – when people start wars someone always gets hurt or killed!!! I was her target to destroy, but when one of her helpers lost his mind and self-destructed, everyone involved became silent, and now there is a big cover-up that involves the FBI, the US Marshals, and the media.It's a shame he was not strong enough to stand up to do the right thing and let himself become a puppet of the property manager -- he paid a high price for it. Puppets never have a good end. If it was me, the little woman to commit a crime my name and face would have been splashed all over the news stations! And then all probably go on TV talking about how disturbed the little woman was -- to discredit me and my book -- and make a name for themselves by standing on my head. And all probably say that you need God in your life, my ex-boss was a Mormon, a man of God, but he was the one to lose his mind, but now is a big cover-up. I could see their dirty games and traps so clearly. Read more in the link below:
I can’t sleep much and I am running on adrenaline, so I apologize for my poor English, I have difficulty with the written language, but it gets worse if I am nervous. From reading in the book Stalking the Soul by Marie-France Hirigoyen in the chapter about Emotional Abuse in the workplace. Everything she says is exactly what’s happening to me right now. Below is a little excerpt from the book where the author articulates exactly what I am going through right now at work.
Emotional Abuse in the Workplace "Physical violence can be testified to be outside evidence: eyewitness, police, and medical reports. With emotional abuse, there is no proof. It's a clean violence. Nobody sees anything.
Violence and abuse originate in companies when envy of power and perversity collide. The overpoweringly destructive examples of emotional abuse in couples are less likely to be found but, unfortunately, the small abuse of daily living that does exist in businesses are largely trivialized or ignored. In companies, universities, and institutions, harassing orabusive proceduresare more stereotypical than in the private arena. (P’s jealousy was triggered by my book and got mad at me for sending an e-mail about the p's incidents to all the Rs in my e-mail list in retaliation, she and the board manipulated by her created P's abusive procedure to punish me for putting me in my place to show me who is the bigger girl. But then I came up with a system that is efficient and works and I proved to them their system was flawed and was created only to punish me and to set me up for failure. If you have time you might like reading my blog entry of January, 25, They are Allergic to My Aliveness.
They are no less destructive, although the victims are less exposed because they often leave (illness or resignation) in order to survive. (This is what they were hoping I would do)
WHAT IS ABUSE? By emotional abuse in the workplace, we mean any abusive conduct---whether by words, looks, gestures, or in writing---that infringes upon the personality, the dignity, or the physical or psychical integrity of a person; also, behavior that endangers the employment of said person or degrades the climate of the workplace.
… Businesses, as well as the media, have tended to focus on sexual harassment, which is only one aspect of harassment in the larger sense. This psychological war in the workplace consists of two elements:
. Abuse of power: often quickly revealed and not accepted by the employees . Emotional manipulation: more insidious and more destructive from the beginning
Emotional abuse and harassment start harmless enough and spread insidiously. Initially, the people involved are reluctant to take offense and gloss over quarrels and bullying. Later, the attacks multiply and the victim is regularly besieged; he is made to feel inferior and submitted to hostile and degrading maneuvers over a long period.
Obviously, one does not drop dead on the spot as a result of these aggressions, but one does lose a part of oneself. One gets home every night worn out, humiliated, and damaged. It’s difficult to recover. WHO IS TARGETED Contrary to what their aggressors have others believe, victims are not, at the outset, particularly weak or mentally unhealthy individuals. Quite the opposite: harassment is often set in motion when a victim refuses to give in to a boss’s authoritarian procedures. She is targeted because of her capacity to resist authority, even under pressure. …
…The victim is stigmatized once the process of harassment gets going. They say she’s impossible to work with, has a terrible disposition, or even that she’s crazy. (This is what M B has been trying to do all along. Telling me I don’t know what I am talking about and calling me paranoid. Last Saturday when I stopped by. I also told him you are trying to make me look crazy, but I am not crazy and then he says: I never said you are crazy and then I said: you call me paranoid all the time and then he screamed at me: DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THE WORD PARANOID MEANS?) They attribute to her character the consequences of the conflict, forgetting what she was before or what she is now in another context. Pushed to the limit, she often becomes what the employer wants her to become. (Because I can see clearly what they are doing, they have not been able to push me to the limit and have not lost it. I have been keeping my cool like I said in my blog post Rise Above the Sociopaths' Bullshit: Remember! Rise above the sociopaths' bullshit, because reacting to their lies and bullshit, it's what they want and is what gives them power.
ISOLATION Once the decision has been made to psychologically destroy an employee, in order to forestall any possible defense, the person must be isolated by breaking up potential alliances.It’s much more difficult to rebel if you’re alone, especially if you’ve been made to believe that everyone is against you. (This is exactly what is going on and they tell me I can’t talk to anyone because all abusers want their victims isolated. In our last meeting S's HR tried to tell me that a Resident and other gate attendant had complained about me making threats against them, which is a complete lie because I never threaten anyone, the next day I was afraid to talk to anyone because I was not sure who I can trust anymore! This is exactly what they want to make me think that everyone is out to get me and that’s why MB keeps calling me paranoid!!!)
The workplace is one of the most dangerous places to be in. And these behaviors will never stop as long as people's childhood repression goes unresolved.
"When you ask something important in email, they come to talk to you in person or do it over the phone. They can deny saying things if it’s not on the books." —u/Avocado_Tomato
"Either you don't feel safe or comfortable enough or if you do, your questions are dismissed or you are belittled in response (at any level)." —u/verifiedalmosthuma
"Being afraid to make a mistake because if you do, you'll be berated far beyond what's appropriate, even if the mistake is minor and easy to fix. They also won't tell you why what you did was wrong; they'd rather scream at you." —u/yeetgodmcnechass
"[They're] dependent on who gets along with whom, who sucks up to whom, and who is in the 'inner clique' with the higher-ups, not who's actually good at their job, diligent, innovative with solutions, trying to better the company, etc." —u/amazingstillitseems
"Not only do Narcs/sociopaths try to provoke and bait you into having a bad reaction that fits the narrative of their smear campaign, but they will rehearse and stage setups with the flying monkeys during public events. As if they are preparing for a scene in a movie. It's that premeditated." DR. MELANIE CABRERA, PSY
Yes, I know it's that premeditated. It's pure evil.
Emotional Abuse in the Workplace "Physical violence can be testified to be outside evidence: eyewitness, police and medical reports. With emotional abuse, there is no proof. It's a clean violence. Nobody sees anything.
Violence and abuse originate in companies when envy of power and perversity collide. The over overpoweringly destructive examples of emotional abuse in couples are less likely to be found but, unfortunately, the small abuse of daily living that do exist in businesses are largely trivialized or ignored.
In companies, universities, and institutions, harassing orabusive proceduresare more stereotypical than in the private arena. (P’s jealousy was triggered by my book, and she got mad at me for sending an e-mail about the packages' incidents to all the Rs in my e-mail list, and in retaliation, she and the board, manipulated by her, created the Packages' abusive procedure to punish me, to put me in my place to show me who is the bigger girl. But then I came up with a system that is efficient and works, and I proved their system was flawed and created only to punish me and set me up for failure. If you have time, you might like reading my January 2015 blog entry, They are Allergic to my Aliveness.
They are no less destructive, although the victims are less exposed because they often leave (illness or resignation) in order to survive. (This is what they were hoping I would do)
WHAT IS ABUSE? By emotional abuse in the workplace, we mean any abusive conduct---whether by words, looks, gestures, or in writing---that infringes upon the personality, the dignity, or the physical or psychological integrity of a person; also, behavior that endangers the employment of a said person or degrades the climate of the workplace.
…Business, as well asthe media, have tended to focus on sexual harassment, which is only one aspect of harassment in the larger sense. This psychological war in the workplace consists of two elements:
. Abuse of power: often quickly revealed and not accepted by the employees . Emotional manipulation: more insidious and more destructive from the beginning
Emotional abuse and harassment start harmless enough and spread insidiously. Initially, the people involved are reluctant to take offense and gloss over quarrels and bullying. Later, the attacks multiply, and the victim is regularly besieged; he is made to feel inferior and subjected to hostile and degrading maneuvers over a long period.
Obviously, one does not drop dead on the spot as a result of these aggressions, but one does lose a part of oneself. One gets home every night worn out, humiliated, and damaged. It’s difficult to recover. WHO IS TARGETED Contrary to what their aggressors have others believe, victims are not, at the outset, particularly weak or mentally unhealthy individuals. Quite the opposite: harassment is often set in motion when a victim refuses to give in to a boss’s authoritarian procedures. She is targeted because of her capacity to resist authority, even under pressure. …
…The victim is stigmatized once the process of harassment gets going. They say she’s impossible to work with, has a terrible disposition, or even that she’s crazy. (This is what M B has been trying to do all along. Telling me I don’t know what I am talking about and calling me paranoid. Last Saturday, when I stopped by. I also told him you are trying to make me look crazy, but I am not crazy, and then he says: I never said you are crazy, and then I said: you call me paranoid all the time, and then he screams at me: DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THE WORD PARANOID MEANS?) They attribute to her character the consequences of the conflict, forgetting what she was before or what she is now in another context. Pushed to the limit, she often becomes what the employer wants her to become. (Because I can see clearly what they are doing, they have not been able to push me to the limit and have not lost it. I have been keeping my cool, as I said in my blog post Rise Above the Sociopaths' Bullshit: Remember! Rise above the sociopaths' bullshit, because reacting to their lies and nonsense is what they want and is what gives them power.
ISOLATION Once the decision has been made to psychologically destroy an employee, in order to forestall any possible defense, the person must be isolated by breaking up potential alliances.It’s much more difficult to rebel if you’re alone, especially if you’ve been made to believe that everyone is against you. (This is exactly what is going on, and they tell me I can’t talk to anyone because all abusers want their victims isolated. In our last meeting, S's HR tried to tell me that a Resident and other gate attendants complained that I threatened them, which is a complete lie because I never threaten anyone. The next day, I was afraid to talk to anyone because I was not sure who I could trust anymore! This is exactly what they want me to think: that everyone is out to get me, and that’s why MB keeps calling me paranoid!!!) https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2015/02/emotional-abuse-in-workplace.html
True learning comes only from real experience and an open mind that has not been hijacked by a malignant or corrupted system.
As long as people remain repressed, they have no free will; the dead hand of their own repression will drive them endlessly into the state of compulsive repetition.
Since writing this blog, exactly a year later, my ex-boss, whom the property manager recruited to do her dirty work, killed himself in a standoff with the local police after robbing a bank on March 11, 2016, which, by coincidence, was my birthday! So, the property manager does have blood on her hands after all, because I know without a doubt that if she had not started this psychological warfare against me, he would still be alive – he was her collateral damage. When people start wars, someone always gets hurt or killed!!! I was her target to destroy, but when one of her helpers lost his mind and self-destructed, everyone involved became silent, and now there is a big cover-up that involves the FBI, the US Marshals, and the media.It's a shame he wasn't strong enough to stand up, do the right thing, and let himself become a puppet of the property manager—he paid a high price for it. Puppets never have a good end. If it was me, the little woman, to commit a crime, my name and face would have been splashed all over the news stations! And then they'd all probably go on TV talking about how disturbed the little woman was—to discredit me and my book—and make a name for themselves by standing on my head. And all probably say that you need God in your life; my ex-boss was a Mormon, a man of God, but he was the one to lose his mind, and now it's a big cover-up. I could see their dirty games and traps so clearly. Read more in the link below:
"Those children who are beaten will, in turn, give beatings; those who are intimidated will be intimidating; those who are humiliated will impose humiliation; and those whose souls are murdered will murder.
...Children who are lectured to, learn how to lecture; if they are admonished, they learn how to admonish; if scolded, they learn how to scold; if ridiculed, they learn how to ridicule; if humiliated, they learn how to humiliate; if their psyche is killed, they will learn how to kill--the only question is who will be killed: oneself, others, or both." -- Alice Miller's above excerpt from Pedagogy Fills the Needs of Parents, Not of Children.
From the book For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence by Alice Miller
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2011/01/pedagogy-fills-needs-of-parents-not-of.html?m=1
---------------//----------- The excerpt below from the book Stalking the Soul:Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity, by Marie France Hirigoyen, articulates beautifully what S board, MB, and Security Company did and are doing to me. They want to murder my soul like their own parents or child caregivers murdered their own souls, so I will be soulless like them. Many humans' souls have been murdered. There are laws against physical assault and physical murder, but soul stalking and soul murder are totally legal in our society.
"Physical violence can be testified to be outside evidence: eyewitness, police and medical reports. With emotional abuse, there is no proof. It's a clean violence. Nobody sees anything.
The Victim is Cornered
During the ascendancy of control phase, the emotional abuser essentially acted to inhibit his victim’s powers of reasoning and critical judgment. In the next phase, through a strategic series of commands, he provokes feelings, acts, and reactions.
If the opponent can “outdo” his rival in abusive defense strategies, the battle can only end in the surrender of the less perverse of the two.
The abuser tries to make the victim act against him so he can denounce her as “evil.” What’s crucial is that she seems responsible for what happened. He uses a weakness---a depressive, hysterical, or temperamental tendency--- over-exaggerates this trait, and then leads the victim on to discredit herself. Pushing the other into making mistakes allows the abuser to criticize and tear her down, but even more, reinforces her poor self-image and guilt.
When the victim loses control, the abuser simply injects a small dose of provocation and contempt to obtain a reaction and later reproaches her for it. If, for example, the reaction is anger, he makes sure that everyone sees it. On occasion, an outsider might even feel compelled to call the police. One even sees cases of abusers egging their victims on: “poor thing, you can’t expect anything from life; I don’t know why you haven’t jumped out the window!” It’s easy after that for the abuser to make the victim a mental case.
The victim needs to act, but because she is blocked by the hold over her, she can only find her freedom in an extreme gesture. To an outsider, any impulsive action, especially a violent one, is considered pathological. The person's reaction to provocation seems responsible for the crises. Guilt in the eyes of the abuser; she appears like the aggressor to outsiders, who don’t understand that she can no longer live trapped in a horrible situation. Whatever she does, she can’t set herself free: if she reacts, she is responsible for starting the conflict, and if she doesn’t react, the deadly stalking of her soul continues.
As he drives his victim to destruction, the abuser gets that much more pleasure from pointing out her weakness or unleashing her violence. He makes her feel debased and unworthy. Depending on her reaction, she is described as temperamental and neurotic, alcoholic, or suicidal. The victim feels defenseless and tries to justify herself as if she were, in fact, guilty. The abuser’s pleasure double: he bamboozles or humiliates his victim and subsequently rubs her nose in her humiliation.
While the victim dwells on her guilt, the abuser benefits from the situation, making sure to cast himself as the victim.
Justification becomes impossible when nothing is said, and no reproach is made. Desperate to find a solution to this horrifying impasse, the victim may be tempted in turn to use innuendo and manipulation. The relationship then becomes ambiguous: who is the abuser and who is the victim.
The ideal outcome for the abuser is to succeed in making the other “evil,” which transforms the evil into something more normal because it is now shared. He wants to inject the other with what is bad in him. To corrupt is the ultimate goal.
His greatest satisfaction lies in driving his target to destructive acts or, in a larger framework, leading several individuals to finish each other off. (This is what S board did; they started the emotional harassment and now are leaving it to MB and S to finish it off)
All abusers, sexual or emotional, try to drag others into their orbit and distort the rules. Their destructive capability depends on the propaganda they disseminate among victims’ families, friends, and associates, showing to what extent the victims are “evil” and that it is, therefore, normal to blame them. Sometimes they succeed and seduce allies by ridiculing and scorning moral values. Not leading others into a circle of violence means failure for abusers and, therefore, becomes the only way to stop the spread of the abusive process.
Yes, I had my soul stalked for over six months at my last job by pure evil people. The words below articulate exactly what happened to me!
Emotional abuse defined: "These are evil psychological assaults. This aggression arises from an unconscious psychological process of destruction consisting of either hidden or overt hostility on the part of one and sometimes several abusers toward a designated person; a real target in every sense of the word. It is effectively possible to destabilize or even destroy someone with seemingly harmless words and hints, inferences, and unspoken suggestions; usually, those close to the situation will not intervene. A narcissistic abuser grows in stature at the expense of the other; she also avoids any inner or spiritual conflict by shifting the responsibility for what is wrong onto the other person. If the other is responsible for the problem, wrong-doing, guilt and suffering don't exist. This defines emotional abuse."
"The very definition of emotional abuse is challenged by some who prefer to use the catch-all term of psychopathy."
"Whether the subject is serial killing or emotional abusiveness, the matter remains one of predatory behavior: an act consisting in the appropriation of another person's life."
"The goal of an abusive individual is to gain or maintain power by whatever means possible or else to mask his own incompetence.
In order to accomplish this, he must get rid of anyone who impedes his progress or sees through him." page 71
-Dr. Marie-France Hirigoyen "Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity"
Book Review: Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and The Erosion of Identity "Yet, really? No victims? In relationships that serve only one party? That is the popular wisdom and the frequent conclusion of many psychologists. Therapists are trained to remain neutral even when obvious emotional abuses are played out in front of them. Infidelities and narcissistic emotional abuses are not considered serious enough to warrant speaking out in favor of the victim. Then, there is the truth that we, as a culture, hold the victim to blame for whatever occurred, to attempt to make sense of it, to impose rationale onto a world that often does not make a lot of sense. Well, dispense with such New Age ideas that absolve all relational wrongs, such as: “there are no guilty parties, only accomplices in the outcome.” What if it is just plain wrong to abuse the trust of another, especially someone in an intimate relationship? What if deception—of any sort—is abusive? What if using another person for one's own gains—even if that using is unconscious—is wrong? Just plain wrong. Wrong as in not condoned; no neutrality accepted in the face of abuses and deceptions. This book calls for an end to therapeutic neutrality and directs therapists to cease listening dispassionately and to actively speak up and even to intervene when abuse is observed. What if a morality of protecting the less powerful person in relationships is developing? This book calls for an end to therapeutic dispassion and a return to empathy and kindness —a sort of patient championing, yes—taking sides. What if there really are perpetrators in relationships? And what if those perpetrators have real victims, sometimes many victims? Now, that would be an entirely new way of exploring relationships." Read more:
"Stalking the Soul" will illuminate emotional abuse in a way that will shake you to the core. Marie-France Hirigoyen has insight that is usually reserved for those who have walked the path. I was impressed with the depth of her knowledge of narcissism and the insidious and covert nature of the disorder. Emotional abuse is a double-edged sword because it is so hard to prove. You'll go crazy just trying. The abuser is careful to reveal himself only to his victim while showing his false self, the one that hooked you, to everyone else. Manipulation is second nature to the emotional abuser, allowing him to slowly and methodically erode your sense of self and to murder your soul. The latter being their goal. You have become their prey, something to conquer. I immensely appreciated and respected Marie-France Hirigoyen careful avoidance and rejection of blaming the victim. She shows in compassionate detail how it is your very strengths and talents that make you perfect prey to a narcissist, not your weakness, as so many other books on the subject will have you believe. Blaming the victim is just another layer of abuse and this author discredits that theory with a few strokes of her mighty pen. She appears to have an intimate understanding of the inner workings of a mental abuser and her knowledge flows freely from the pages directly to you. Where it is the abuser's goal to destabilize, Marie-France Hirigoyen is the friend who lovingly shakes Read more reviews here
Tina Jensen Friis: Very interesting read about abusers and their ways, - how it will always be the victims fault and making the victim look like "the abuser", even a mental case to others, - a pointless battle where you ultimately must learn that people can think what they want - escaping and surviving the abuse is all that matters! "The ideal outcome for the abuser is to succeed in making the other “evil,” which transforms the evil into something more normal because it is now shared. He wants to inject the other with what is bad in him. To corrupt is the ultimate goal." "The abuser is careful to reveal himself only to his victim while showing his false self, the one that hooked you, to everyone else. Manipulation is second nature to the emotional abuser, allowing him to slowly and methodically erode your sense of self and to murder your soul." The pain will always remain inside... Sylvie Imelda SheneThank you, Tina. Yes, the abuser’s goal is to succeed in making the real victim appear to be the “evil” one and therefore deserving what was coming to her. I lost my job, but she [the property manager at my last job] did not succeed in transferring her evil into me. The quote below describes beautifully what she was trying to do, she wanted to kill my soul and walk away wearing my skin. I shared more about my experiences and quotes in this link.
No, I will never look at anyone the same way!
Yes, this reversed illusion was their plan. I could see so clearly the illusion they were trying to create and that's why I'm here to talk about it! I guess they didn't believe me when I said in my book A Dance to Freedom: Your Guide from Lies and Illusions. That I don't fall for illusions anymore! Free at last! They wanted to discredit me and my book, but they just gave more evidence that what I wrote in my book is the whole truth based on facts and evidence.
All malignant narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths love to play the victim card and make appear their real victims as the abusers, but when their targets are able to see clearly the games they play and articulate the real situation of what really is taking place; the targets of the malignant narcissists cease of becoming a victim. "The unconscious compulsion to revenge repressed injuries is more powerful than reason. That is the lesson that all tyrants teach us. One should not expect judiciousness from a mad person motivated by compulsive panic. One should, however, protect oneself from such person." Alice Miller -- Breaking Down the Wall of Silence page 82 Also, read my blog post Experienced Knowledge
DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim, and Offender) is a tactical maneuver manipulators use to groom individuals, and, indeed, entire social groups. It involves controlling people’s perception of events through a specific sequence of actions. Those who experience the DARVO process often feel disoriented as the perpetrator of abuse actively revises the facts and distorts the truth. By crafting a fictional narrative that bears no resemblance to reality, they sow seeds of doubt. Bystanders, regrettably, accept the manipulator’s lies as truth. Meanwhile, the recipient of the abuse becomes a scapegoat and a target of vilification.
What is DARVO?
DARVO is an acronym for Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim and Offender. It is a defense mechanism used by manipulators when they are confronted for their actions to evade accountability. DARVO is a fusion of gaslighting and blame-shifting. The term was first presented in a 1997 article by Jennifer J. Freyd, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology at the University of Oregon and founder of the Center for Institutional Courage.
“The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim – or the whistleblower – into an alleged offender.”
Jennifer J. Freyd
What does it look like?
DARVO occurs in the following sequence:
Step 1. Deny.The process begins with adamant refusal to accept any responsibility or acknowledge having a role or any involvement in the harmful behavior or actions. The truthful account of the events is stridently rejected and minimized. Denial seeks to deflect blame. Consequently, it also implies that it is in fact the perpetrator who is being subjects to an injustice by being wrongly accused of something they did not do. Denial distorts or disregards the reality of a situation.
Step 2. Attack.The second stage of DARVO involves character assassination with the aim of redirecting blame onto the person who confronted the perpetrator, scapegoating the innocent party, and burdening them with accountability for the crimes of the aggressor. By shifting blame away from themselves, manipulators preserve their self-image, reputation, and/or position of power. It shields them from criticism and negative judgment. DARVO attacks often involve victim-blaming, distorting facts, minimizing the impact of their own actions, and exaggerating the faults of whoever confronts the perpetrator. The attack is essentially asmear campaign.
Step 3. Reverse Victim and Offender.Once the character assassination has formed a critical mass of bystanders who are successfully deceived by the manipulator’s false narrative, the victim-survivors is subjects to the painful process of scapegoating. Thus the final stages of DARVO sees the victim cast as a villain, while the perpetrator is exonerated. The reversal of victim and offender relies on pre-existing biases, stereotypes, or prejudices. It is often used to animate bystanders into persecuting and punishing the victim-survivor.
When someone shows you who they really are believe them the first time. I no longer give people second chances! I'm getting too old to waste my precious time. I have been saying for a very long time that time is the most valuable resource.
And that's why I don't want to waste any longer -- one more minute of my life -- with people who are -- chasing illusions -- and living a lie -- without the courage -- to open their eyes to see -- and feel their own painful truths.
Many people are compulsively and unconsciously looking for scapegoats to use as poison containers to temporarily and superficially alleviate their own unresolved repressed emotions of the child they once were.
Once they know that you know who they really are, you get a target on your back. The only way to survive and leave with your dignity intact is to never react to their mind games. Rise above the narcissists' BS, because reacting to their lies and mind games, is what they want and that's what gives them power. I don't give my power away anymore.
All malignant narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, assholes, or whatever you like to call these evil people, they all love to play the victim card and make appear their real victims as the abusers,but when their targets are able to see clearly the games they play and articulate the real situation of what really is taking place; the targets of the malignant narcissists cease of becoming a victim.
Just like Marie France Hirigoyen said in her book Stalking the Soul: “...When the victim loses control, the abuser simply injects a small dose of provocation and contempt to obtain a reaction and later reproaches her for it. If, for example, the reaction is anger, he makes sure that everyone sees it. On occasion, an outsider might even feel compelled to call the police.
One even sees cases of abusers egging their victims on: “Poor thing, you can’t expect anything from life; I don’t know why you haven’t jumped out the window!” It’s easy after that for the abuser to make the victim a mental case. The victim needs to act, but because she is blocked by the hold over her, she can only find her freedom in an extreme gesture. To an outsider, any impulsive action, especially a violent one, is considered pathological. The person's reaction to provocation seems responsible for the crises. Guilt in the eyes of the abuser; she appears like the aggressor to outsiders, who don’t understand that she can no longer live trapped in a horrible situation. Whatever she does, she can’t set herself free: if reacts, she is responsible for starting the conflict, and if she doesn’t react, the deadly stalking of her soul continues. As he drives his victim to destruction, the abuser gets that much more pleasure from pointing out her weakness or unleashing her violence. He makes her feel debased and unworthy. Depending on her reaction, she is described as temperamental and neurotic, alcoholic, or suicidal. The victim feels defenseless and tries to justify herself as if she were, in fact, guilty. The abuser’s pleasure double: he bamboozles or humiliates his victim and subsequently rubs her nose in her humiliation. While the victim dwells on her guilt, the abuser benefits from the situation, making sure to cast himself as the victim. Justification becomes impossible when nothing is said and no reproach is made. Desperate to find a solution to this horrifying impasse, the victim may be tempted in turn to use innuendo and manipulation. The relationship then becomes ambiguous: who is the abuser and who the victim. The ideal outcome for the abuser is to succeed in making the other “evil,” which transforms the evil into something more normal because it is now shared. He wants to inject the other with what is bad in him. To corrupt is the ultimate goal.His greatest satisfaction lies in driving his target to destructive acts or, in a larger framework, leading several individuals to finish each other off.” Read more here
WHAT IS ABUSE? By emotional abuse in the workplace, we mean any abusive conduct---whether by words, looks, gestures, or in writing---that infringes upon the personality, the dignity, or the physical or psychical integrity of a person; also, behavior that endangers the employment of a said person or degrades the climate of the workplace.
…Business, as well asthe media, have tended to focus on sexual harassment, which is only one aspect of harassment in the larger sense. This psychological war in the workplace consists of two elements:
. Abuse of power: often quickly revealed and not accepted by the employees . Emotional manipulation: more insidious and more destructive from the beginning
Emotional abuse and harassment start harmless enough and spread insidiously. Initially, the people involved are reluctant to take offense and gloss over quarrels and bullying. Later, the attacks multiply and the victim is regularly besieged; he is made to feel inferior and submitted to hostile and degrading maneuvers over a long period.
Obviously, one does not drop dead on the spot as a result of these aggressions, but one does lose a part of oneself. One gets home every night worn out, humiliated, and damaged. It’s difficult to recover.
Emotional abuse defined: "These are evil psychological assaults. This aggression arises from an unconscious psychological process of destruction consisting of either hidden or overt hostility on the part of one and sometimes several abusers toward a designated person; a real target in every sense of the word. It is effectively possible to destabilize or even destroy someone with seemingly harmless words and hints, inferences, and unspoken suggestions; usually, those close to the situation will not intervene. A narcissistic abuser grows in stature at the expense of the other; she also avoids any inner or spiritual conflict by shifting the responsibility for what is wrong onto the other person. If the other is responsible for the problem, wrong-doing, guilt and suffering don't exist. This defines emotional abuse."
"The very definition of emotional abuse is challenged by some who prefer to use the catch-all term of psychopathy."
""Whether the subject is serial killing or emotional abusiveness, the matter remains one of predatory behavior: an act consisting in the appropriation of another person's life."
The goal of an abusive individual is to gain or maintain power by whatever means possible or else to mask his own incompetence.
In order to accomplish this, he must get rid of anyone who impedes his progress or sees through him."
Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and Erosion of Identity by Marie-France Hirigoyen page 71
The older I get, the less I feel the need to be included, understood, or accepted.
"Narcissist v. Sociopath
A Narcissist sees others as a means to validate his existence. The less validating you are, the less use you are to a Narcissist.
A Sociopath views others as entertainment. The less entertaining you are, the less use you are to a Sociopath.
Both the Narcissist and the Sociopath need to dominate and control others. They will both exploit you with no remorse and have no conscience. My advice? Do not validate the Narcissist and do not entertain the Sociopath. Stay clear of them. Once they suck you in, it is hard to get away. Avoid them both at all costs and if they manage to bring you into their den, run like hell." Lisa E. Scott
How would you define abuse?
Abuse means to me using a person for whatever I want from her, or him, without asking for their agreement, without respecting their will and their interests. With children, it is very easy to do so, because they are loving, they trust their parents and most adults, and they don’t realize that they were abused, that their love had been exploited. Especially if they were forced to ignore their emotions from the beginning, they might have lost their sensibility for the warning signals.
A small girl will follow to the cellar the neighbor who promised her chocolate, although she may feel uncomfortable. But if she learned from the beginning of her life that her feelings didn’t matter and that she should obey every adult person, even if she feels resistance, she will follow the neighbor. She will behave like the Little Red Riding-Hood in the fairytale. And she may later suffer in her relationship with men for her whole life if she didn’t work out this early experience in the cellar. However, if she does, she will no longer be in danger of becoming a victim of rape or any other kind of molestation.
"Only unflinching realization of one’s own past reality, of what really happened can break through the chain of abuse. If I know and can feel what my parents did to me when I was totally defenseless, I no longer need victims to befog my awareness. I no longer need to reenact what happened to me with the help of innocent people because now I KNOW what happened. And if I want to live my life consciously, without exploiting others, then I must actively accept that knowledge.
..Am I saying that forgiveness for crimes done to a child is not only ineffective but actively harmful? Yes, that is precisely what I am saying. The body does not understand moral precepts. It fights against the denial of genuine emotions and for the admission of the truth to our conscious minds. This is something the child cannot afford to do, it has to deceive itself and turn a blind eye to the parents’ crimes in order to survive. Adults no longer need to do this, but if they do, the price they pay is high. Either they ruin their own health or they make others pay the price – their children, their patients, the people who work for them, etc." -- Alice Miller
