This blog is about learning to understand all of our feelings and learning to consciously face, feel, and experience all of our feelings within the context of our own childhood.
Everything we become and everything that happens to us is connected to childhood. Not every victim becomes an abuser, but every abuser was once a victim of abuse. These are facts. Violence is not genetic; it’s learned.
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2014/08/a-dance-to-freedom-book-reviews.html
DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim, and Offender) is a tactical maneuver manipulators use to groom individuals, and, indeed, entire social groups. It involves controlling people’s perception of events through a specific sequence of actions. Those who experience the DARVO process often feel disoriented as the perpetrator of abuse actively revises the facts and distorts the truth. By crafting a fictional narrative that bears no resemblance to reality, they sow seeds of doubt. Bystanders, regrettably, accept the manipulator’s lies as truth. Meanwhile, the recipient of the abuse becomes a scapegoat and a target of vilification.
What is DARVO?
DARVO is an acronym for Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim, and Offender. It is a defense mechanism used by manipulators when they are confronted for their actions to evade accountability. DARVO is a fusion of gaslighting and blame-shifting. The term was first presented in a 1997 article by Jennifer J. Freyd, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology at the University of Oregon and founder of the Center for Institutional Courage.
"The goal of an abusive individual is to gain or maintain power by whatever means possible or else to mask his own incompetence.
In order to accomplish this, he must get rid of anyone who impedes his progress or sees through him."
Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and Erosion of Identity by Marie-France Hirigoyen, page 71
“Authoritarian personalities are ones that “kiss above and kick below”, in other words, they are loyal to their leaders, but will attack those of lower rank. They also protect their “in-group” and attack the “out-group”. Social Dominance Orientation (SDO) personalities, on the other hand, tend to be those who lead the authoritarians, they are more interested in being on top.”
Elon Musk was corrupted in childhood, and money made it worse. He is a great example that money alone doesn't save anyone from their emotional prisons.
DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim, and Offender) is a tactical maneuver manipulators use to groom individuals, and, indeed, entire social groups. It involves controlling people’s perception of events through a specific sequence of actions. Those who experience the DARVO process often feel disoriented as the perpetrator of abuse actively revises the facts and distorts the truth. By crafting a fictional narrative that bears no resemblance to reality, they sow seeds of doubt. Bystanders, regrettably, accept the manipulator’s lies as truth. Meanwhile, the recipient of the abuse becomes a scapegoat and a target of vilification.
What is DARVO?
DARVO is an acronym for Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim and Offender. It is a defense mechanism used by manipulators when they are confronted for their actions to evade accountability. DARVO is a fusion of gaslighting and blame-shifting. The term was first presented in a 1997 article by Jennifer J. Freyd, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology at the University of Oregon and founder of the Center for Institutional Courage.
“The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim – or the whistleblower – into an alleged offender.”
Jennifer J. Freyd
What does it look like?
DARVO occurs in the following sequence:
Step 1. Deny.The process begins with adamant refusal to accept any responsibility or acknowledge having a role or any involvement in the harmful behavior or actions. The truthful account of the events is stridently rejected and minimized. Denial seeks to deflect blame. Consequently, it also implies that it is in fact the perpetrator who is being subjects to an injustice by being wrongly accused of something they did not do. Denial distorts or disregards the reality of a situation.
Step 2. Attack.The second stage of DARVO involves character assassination with the aim of redirecting blame onto the person who confronted the perpetrator, scapegoating the innocent party, and burdening them with accountability for the crimes of the aggressor. By shifting blame away from themselves, manipulators preserve their self-image, reputation, and/or position of power. It shields them from criticism and negative judgment. DARVO attacks often involve victim-blaming, distorting facts, minimizing the impact of their own actions, and exaggerating the faults of whoever confronts the perpetrator. The attack is essentially asmear campaign.
Step 3. Reverse Victim and Offender.Once the character assassination has formed a critical mass of bystanders who are successfully deceived by the manipulator’s false narrative, the victim-survivors is subjects to the painful process of scapegoating. Thus the final stages of DARVO sees the victim cast as a villain, while the perpetrator is exonerated. The reversal of victim and offender relies on pre-existing biases, stereotypes, or prejudices. It is often used to animate bystanders into persecuting and punishing the victim-survivor.
When someone shows you who they really are believe them the first time. I no longer give people second chances! I'm getting too old to waste my precious time. I have been saying for a very long time that time is the most valuable resource.
And that's why I don't want to waste any longer -- one more minute of my life -- with people who are -- chasing illusions -- and living a lie -- without the courage -- to open their eyes to see -- and feel their own painful truths.
Many people are compulsively and unconsciously looking for scapegoats to use as poison containers to temporarily and superficially alleviate their own unresolved repressed emotions of the child they once were.
Once they know that you know who they really are, you get a target on your back. The only way to survive and leave with your dignity intact is to never react to their mind games. Rise above the narcissists' BS, because reacting to their lies and mind games, is what they want and that's what gives them power. I don't give my power away anymore.
All malignant narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, assholes, or whatever you like to call these evil people, they all love to play the victim card and make appear their real victims as the abusers,but when their targets are able to see clearly the games they play and articulate the real situation of what really is taking place; the targets of the malignant narcissists cease of becoming a victim.
Just like Marie France Hirigoyen said in her book Stalking the Soul: “...When the victim loses control, the abuser simply injects a small dose of provocation and contempt to obtain a reaction and later reproaches her for it. If, for example, the reaction is anger, he makes sure that everyone sees it. On occasion, an outsider might even feel compelled to call the police.
One even sees cases of abusers egging their victims on: “Poor thing, you can’t expect anything from life; I don’t know why you haven’t jumped out the window!” It’s easy after that for the abuser to make the victim a mental case. The victim needs to act, but because she is blocked by the hold over her, she can only find her freedom in an extreme gesture. To an outsider, any impulsive action, especially a violent one, is considered pathological. The person's reaction to provocation seems responsible for the crises. Guilt in the eyes of the abuser; she appears like the aggressor to outsiders, who don’t understand that she can no longer live trapped in a horrible situation. Whatever she does, she can’t set herself free: if reacts, she is responsible for starting the conflict, and if she doesn’t react, the deadly stalking of her soul continues. As he drives his victim to destruction, the abuser gets that much more pleasure from pointing out her weakness or unleashing her violence. He makes her feel debased and unworthy. Depending on her reaction, she is described as temperamental and neurotic, alcoholic, or suicidal. The victim feels defenseless and tries to justify herself as if she were, in fact, guilty. The abuser’s pleasure double: he bamboozles or humiliates his victim and subsequently rubs her nose in her humiliation. While the victim dwells on her guilt, the abuser benefits from the situation, making sure to cast himself as the victim. Justification becomes impossible when nothing is said and no reproach is made. Desperate to find a solution to this horrifying impasse, the victim may be tempted in turn to use innuendo and manipulation. The relationship then becomes ambiguous: who is the abuser and who the victim. The ideal outcome for the abuser is to succeed in making the other “evil,” which transforms the evil into something more normal because it is now shared. He wants to inject the other with what is bad in him. To corrupt is the ultimate goal.His greatest satisfaction lies in driving his target to destructive acts or, in a larger framework, leading several individuals to finish each other off.” Read more here
WHAT IS ABUSE? By emotional abuse in the workplace, we mean any abusive conduct---whether by words, looks, gestures, or in writing---that infringes upon the personality, the dignity, or the physical or psychical integrity of a person; also, behavior that endangers the employment of a said person or degrades the climate of the workplace.
…Business, as well asthe media, have tended to focus on sexual harassment, which is only one aspect of harassment in the larger sense. This psychological war in the workplace consists of two elements:
. Abuse of power: often quickly revealed and not accepted by the employees . Emotional manipulation: more insidious and more destructive from the beginning
Emotional abuse and harassment start harmless enough and spread insidiously. Initially, the people involved are reluctant to take offense and gloss over quarrels and bullying. Later, the attacks multiply and the victim is regularly besieged; he is made to feel inferior and submitted to hostile and degrading maneuvers over a long period.
Obviously, one does not drop dead on the spot as a result of these aggressions, but one does lose a part of oneself. One gets home every night worn out, humiliated, and damaged. It’s difficult to recover.
Emotional abuse defined: "These are evil psychological assaults. This aggression arises from an unconscious psychological process of destruction consisting of either hidden or overt hostility on the part of one and sometimes several abusers toward a designated person; a real target in every sense of the word. It is effectively possible to destabilize or even destroy someone with seemingly harmless words and hints, inferences, and unspoken suggestions; usually, those close to the situation will not intervene. A narcissistic abuser grows in stature at the expense of the other; she also avoids any inner or spiritual conflict by shifting the responsibility for what is wrong onto the other person. If the other is responsible for the problem, wrong-doing, guilt and suffering don't exist. This defines emotional abuse."
"The very definition of emotional abuse is challenged by some who prefer to use the catch-all term of psychopathy."
""Whether the subject is serial killing or emotional abusiveness, the matter remains one of predatory behavior: an act consisting in the appropriation of another person's life."
The goal of an abusive individual is to gain or maintain power by whatever means possible or else to mask his own incompetence.
In order to accomplish this, he must get rid of anyone who impedes his progress or sees through him."
Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and Erosion of Identity by Marie-France Hirigoyen page 71
The older I get, the less I feel the need to be included, understood, or accepted.
"Narcissist v. Sociopath
A Narcissist sees others as a means to validate his existence. The less validating you are, the less use you are to a Narcissist.
A Sociopath views others as entertainment. The less entertaining you are, the less use you are to a Sociopath.
Both the Narcissist and the Sociopath need to dominate and control others. They will both exploit you with no remorse and have no conscience. My advice? Do not validate the Narcissist and do not entertain the Sociopath. Stay clear of them. Once they suck you in, it is hard to get away. Avoid them both at all costs and if they manage to bring you into their den, run like hell." Lisa E. Scott
How would you define abuse?
Abuse means to me using a person for whatever I want from her, or him, without asking for their agreement, without respecting their will and their interests. With children, it is very easy to do so, because they are loving, they trust their parents and most adults, and they don’t realize that they were abused, that their love had been exploited. Especially if they were forced to ignore their emotions from the beginning, they might have lost their sensibility for the warning signals.
A small girl will follow to the cellar the neighbor who promised her chocolate, although she may feel uncomfortable. But if she learned from the beginning of her life that her feelings didn’t matter and that she should obey every adult person, even if she feels resistance, she will follow the neighbor. She will behave like the Little Red Riding-Hood in the fairytale. And she may later suffer in her relationship with men for her whole life if she didn’t work out this early experience in the cellar. However, if she does, she will no longer be in danger of becoming a victim of rape or any other kind of molestation.
"Only unflinching realization of one’s own past reality, of what really happened can break through the chain of abuse. If I know and can feel what my parents did to me when I was totally defenseless, I no longer need victims to befog my awareness. I no longer need to reenact what happened to me with the help of innocent people because now I KNOW what happened. And if I want to live my life consciously, without exploiting others, then I must actively accept that knowledge.
..Am I saying that forgiveness for crimes done to a child is not only ineffective but actively harmful? Yes, that is precisely what I am saying. The body does not understand moral precepts. It fights against the denial of genuine emotions and for the admission of the truth to our conscious minds. This is something the child cannot afford to do, it has to deceive itself and turn a blind eye to the parents’ crimes in order to survive. Adults no longer need to do this, but if they do, the price they pay is high. Either they ruin their own health or they make others pay the price – their children, their patients, the people who work for them, etc." -- Alice Miller
The real world is not a safe place for a seeing and a feeling person. I have stated this before, and the fire I have walked through recently only confirms it: the modern workplace is a breeding ground for repression, projection, transference, and emotional violence. In today’s institutions, the people who effortlessly rise are rarely the most capable. Instead, they are the ones who have mastered the art of repression, denial, and blame-shifting to absolute perfection. They have buried their own feelings so deep that they no longer hear the screams of their own wounded child. And because they are entirely deaf to their own pain, they can step on others without a shred of guilt. They thrive in the corporate matrix because they have grown into full-blown sociopaths.
For the rare few who have done the brutal, liberating emotional work to free themselves from childhood repression, navigating these environments is like holding a double-edged sword. Emotional freedom makes you an instant target for malignant narcissists; your clarity acts as a mirror that reflects their deepest, unexamined imprisonment, and they will envy your freedom. However, that very same clarity is your ultimate armor.
Once a mind is truly free, it cannot be captured again. When you are no longer blinded by the repressed emotions of the child you once were, you see people’s patterns and predict their next moves long before they make them. You see the traps, and you refuse to step into the choreography.
The Mechanics of the Corporate Smear Campaign: DARVO
Recently, I became the target of two covert malignant narcissists in a group. The first was a charming, charismatic 26-year-old single mother; the second was a 22-year-old who replaced her. Both weaponized the exact same toxic playbook to try and get me fired: they made false reports, accusing me of the very behaviors and sabotages they themselves were committing.
This maneuver is a well-documented tactical phenomenon known as DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender), a concept pioneered by Dr. Jennifer J. Freyd. When a manipulator is exposed or fears losing control, they instinctively execute these three rigid steps to escape accountability:
Deny: They flatly refuse to accept responsibility or acknowledge reality, instantly deflecting blame.
Attack: They launch a vicious character assassination—a smear campaign—to ruin the reputation of the person speaking the truth, mobilizing "flying monkeys" to do their dirty work and destabilize the target.
Reverse Victim and Offender: They twist the narrative entirely, casting themselves as the fragile victims while painting the whistleblower as a malicious offender.
They weaponize projection. As Lucas Bean's recent psychological analysis perfectly articulated, every accusation is a confession. They accuse you first of what they are guilty of, so that when your evidence finally comes to light, your defense looks like mere retaliation to an emotionally blind audience.
The 26-year-old single mother who targeted me had a child at 17. One must ask the cold question: what kind of teenager thinks it is okay to bring a baby into this world, unless she subconsciously wants a human prop to exploit, hide behind, and use to manipulate others to fulfill her own unconscious needs? Her child's father is currently in prison. I have no doubt her psychological mind games helped put him there; he reacted blindly to her emotional abuse instead of walking away. Had he consciously felt his justified anger within the context of his own childhood—realizing she was merely a stand-in symbolizing a toxic caregiver from his past—he could have freed himself from ever falling into a malignant person's trap again.
Scapegoating: Voting for Your Own Destruction
The tragedy of the emotionally repressed is that they are entirely driven by forces they refuse to see. This young woman, surviving on food stamps and rental assistance, proudly voted for Donald Trump. When she told me she was voting for Trump. I responded: Really? But thought to myself: of course you are. Now, as his administration aggressively moves to gut the very social safety nets she depends on to survive, she is left blind to the reality of her choices.
Why do people consistently vote against their own self-interest? Because they are driven by a desperate, unresolved need to alleviate their childhood repression superficially. As I wrote many years ago in my post on Scapegoating, hatred can never be resolved by projecting it onto an external group. Trump won because he offered his followers the perfect, pre-packaged scapegoats—such as undocumented immigrants—to dump their repressed rage onto. They project their internal misery outward, blinded by the unresolved repressed hatred, completely unaware that the politicians they cheer for are dismantling the roofs over their heads.
The Ultimate Boundary: Standing in Evidence
The only way I survived these calculated attempts to destroy my livelihood was through radical emotional clarity and a simple, grounding strategy of protection:
Gather Cold Evidence: While they relied entirely on elaborate lies, gaslighting, and historical revisionism, I quietly collected texts, emails, and documentation.
Hold Strategic Silence: I refused to respond in anger. Anger is fuel for a narcissist and validates their false narrative to bystanders.
Present the Truth Once: I took the undeniable evidence to the people who matter, then I stopped.
As I shared with a reader years ago, we must never let others exploit our unresolved, repressed anger. If the people in power at a job are corrupt and refuse to look at objective evidence, it is an automatic sign to pack your bags and move on. You cannot force people to look at the evidence if they refuse to open their eyes.
Fortunately, those who mattered consisted of decent people who looked at the hard facts. Because my evidence and silence hallowed out their lies over time, their masks slipped, they fell directly into the traps they had set for me, and both of those malignant women are now gone.
Yes, they don't want anyone to be more successful than they are. That's why they constantly target me; they live in fear of me becoming a best-selling author. But it is only a matter of time—even if it happens after I am gone.
No matter what happens, I am already far more successful than they will ever be, because I am emotionally free.
“It is only after it is liberated that the self begins to articulate, to grow, and to develop its creativity. Where there had been only fearful emptiness or equally frightening grandiose fantasies, an unexpected wealth of vitality is now discovered. This is not a homecoming, since this home has never before existed. It is the creation of a home.”
Once a person has grown into a full-blown malignant narcissist, they will never change. Get the f**k away from them.
Never react or argue with them—just walk away. Your reaction is exactly what they want, and it’s what gives them power. I have deep compassion for the wounded children they once were, but I have absolutely zero compassion for the monsters they have chosen to become as adults.
Yes, they want you to chase after them. The only person I ever chased in my life was my ex, for 10 long years, and I promised myself I would never do it again. Family or not, I don't care how charming, beautiful, or wealthy someone is—I am done chasing.
For 20 years, I waited patiently for a niece, hoping she would grow and find the courage to do her emotional work. The very first time I said "no" to her, she went full-blown nuclear and blocked me on all social media. A few months later, she unblocked me, fully expecting me to run after her. Instead, I blocked her right back. She will never be let back into my life. Once someone consciously chooses darkness over light, I’m done!
Her anger boiled down to the fact that I refused to join her in humiliating her aunt and cousin in a family Facebook group. She showed me she had zero respect for me. I no longer give second chances. Disrespect me once, and I am out forever. Life is just too short to waste on people who don't know how to respect you.
Exactly đŸ’¯
"If you want to know an amazing human being with supernatural levels of love, compassion, integrity, and fortitude...look no further than a survivor of Narcissistic Abuse. They have overcome obstacles that would destroy most, and are a living, breathing example that good does conquer evil." Jill Wise Narcissistic Abuse Recovery 622 Coaching
A disagreement with a toxic partner will turn into an argument, which turns into a bigger problem. A disagreement with a divine partner will turn into a conversation that will lead to changed behavior or a solution.
