This blog is about learning to understand all of our feelings and learning to consciously face, feel and experience all of our feelings within the context of our own childhood.
Everything we become and happens to us is connected to childhood. Not every victim becomes an abuser, but every abuser was once a victim of abuse, these are facts, Violence is not genetic, it’s learned.
https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2014/08/a-dance-to-freedom-book-reviews.html
"You are not their partner, you are a SUPPLY. You are not an equal. you are something they OWN." Very true! I want someone to stand next to me, not to compete with me to feel superior or inferior.
When dealing with a narcissist, you don't have to accept their version of events, especially if it makes you the villain:
Baiting
Narcissists may deliberately provoke emotional reactions to distract from their manipulation and shift blame. They may use accusations, even if they know they're the ones at fault, to make you feel wrong. Don't accept their false accusations.
Blameshifting
Narcissists may use "crazymaking" arguments to distract you from their true selves and manipulate you.
Narcissistic supply
Narcissists may try to get you to react emotionally to "bait" you. Don't give them anything, as anything you do can be used against you.
Public shame
Narcissists may become enraged by public embarrassment and lash out.
Calling them out
Experts say that calling someone a narcissist, even if true, can cause more harm than good.
Narcissists can be sly and manipulative, using lies to alienate their targets
COVERT NARCISSISTS
are very difficult to recognize and even more difficult to expose. They appear wounded and gentle, even vulnerable and humble. They portray themselves as dedicated to a path of "enlightenment." but don't practice what they preach. They reel you in by appealing to your sense of empathy. The lack of overt arrogance will derail your fears and suspicions. they epitomize; a wolf in sheep's clothing. Beware.
- Author Unknown
Just because a person doesn't put hands on you, that doesn't mean they aren't abusive. Abuse is control, blatant disrespect, and also hurtful words.
Don't settle for emotional abuse thinking it's ok because it's not physical.
Just like Alice Miller wrote: "We are all prisoners of our childhood, whether we know it, suspect it, deny it, or have never even heard about the possibility. The realization that we can free ourselves from the consequences of old wounds will gain ground as more people prove it can be done. Inevitably, resistance to following this path is great, as we all fear our repressed past and the experience of how helpless we once were. We have had good reason to be afraid; if we did not, there would have been no need for repression. Yet the more we encounter our fear and dare to see its causes, the more it decreases." Read more here
In my book A Dance to Freedom, I prove that it can be done! And once you break free from the emotional prison of your childhood, not even a mob of sociopaths, like I had at my job of nine and half years, can trap you and take you back to the emotional prison of your childhood.
As I wrote In My book pages 84, 85, and 86 " Children are like sponges. They absorb everything their
parents repress. And because children are such perfect
mirrors of their parents’ repression, they’re also powerful
triggers that put parents into panic mode to keep repressing.
No one can trigger in us what’s not already in ourselves, but
many parents don’t want to see that because it would force
them to feel the painful truths of their own childhoods that
they try to avoid at all costs.
Instead, parents force their
children to feel what they themselves can’t feel. They use
their children as scapegoats or “poisonous containers,” and
endlessly punish them for their bad behavior.
Most parents
don’t take responsibility for the fact that, on some level,
they’re the cause of their children’s bad behavior, due to their
own repression.
This is one of the biggest injustices I’ve ever witnessed in
this world. And when this happens, parents lose the
opportunity to nurture their children and heal their own
hearts.
This is very sad and tragic. Parents don’t realize that,
in most cases, their desire to have children comes from their
compulsion to reenact their own childhood dramas — not as
victims again but as the oppressors, the ones in control.
After
all, that’s what they were taught when they were children
themselves.
I believe that the idealization of one’s own parents and
childhood is a major obstacle to the betterment of our whole
society. Since so many people believe that their parents are
always right, it’s much easier for them to follow other people in power positions, who cast themselves as mother or father
figures disguised as educators, healers, cult leaders, therapists,
gurus, and government officials.
We become extremely vulnerable when we refuse to face
the truth about the people who raised us. Someone with a
false self is an easy target for exploitation, which can threaten
not only individuals, but also society as a whole.
The only
thing that can save us is to make sure that more people are
true to themselves. We need more people who can fight the
power, starting in their own homes. Alice Miller describes
these individuals as “people who had the good fortune of
being sure of their parent’s love, even if they had to
disappoint certain parental expectations. Or people who,
although they did not have this good fortune to begin with,
learned later — for example, in analysis — to risk the loss of
love in order to regain their lost self.”51
According to Alice
Miller, these people so appreciate their freedom from trauma
and tyranny that “they will not be willing to relinquish it
again for any price in the world.”52
When we idealize our childhoods we become just like
our childhood abusers and the vicious cycle continues. And
we keep holding on to the false hope of eventually gaining
love and acceptance from our parents, or from those who
stand in to symbolize our parents.
Idealizing the people who raised us puts us in danger,
physically and emotionally. Alice Miller believes that the
body knows our traumatic history and remembers the cruelty
we had to endure as children without being able to really feel
it, process it, and move beyond it in a healthy way. “… As long
as we are compelled to protect our parents we pay our loyalty
with our depressions,” she writes. But “…by discovering and understanding the pain of the former neglected child you
start to love and cherish him, perhaps for the first time in
your life.”53
She expands on the idea in For Your Own Good: “If the
tragedy of a well-meaning person’s childhood remains hidden
behind idealizations, the unconscious knowledge of the actual
state of affairs will have to assert itself by an indirect route.
This occurs with the aid of the repetition compulsion. Over
and over again, for reasons they don’t understand, people
create situations and establish relationships in which they
torment or are tormented by their partners, or both. Since
tormenting one’s children is a legitimate part of childrearing, this provides the most obvious outlet for bottled up
aggression.”54 This is how the vicious cycle of repetition
compulsion has been going on since the beginning of human
history."
”Poisonous Pedagogy. The pedagogical conviction that one must bring a child into line from the outset has its origin in the need to split off the disquieting parts of the inner self and project them onto an available object. The child’s great plasticity flexibility, defenselessness, and availability made it the ideal object for this projection. The enemy within can, at last, be hunted down on the outside. Peace advocates are becoming increasingly aware of the role played by these mechanisms, but until it is clearly recognized that they can be traced back to methods of child raising, little can be done to oppose them. For children who have grown up being assailed for qualities, the parents hate in themselves can hardly wait to assign these qualities to someone else so they can once again regard themselves as good, “moral,” noble, and altruistic. Such projections can easily become part of any Weltanschauung.” Alice Miller
“…unwanted children are usually mistreated. But there exist as a rule also a huge amount of people who were "wanted" indeed, but only for playing the role of the victims that their parents needed to be able to take revenge on. They were wanted to give their parents what the parents never had gotten from their own parents: love, adoration, attention and so many other things. Otherwise, why would so many people have five or more children when they have no time for them? Why do they adopt children if their body refuses to give them what they apparently "want? The never acknowledged, never felt pain of their childhood calls for being avenged. They go to church, they pray, they honor their parents, forgive them everything – and they mistreat their children at home, often in a very cruel way, AS IF THIS WERE THE MOST NATURAL THING, because they learned this so early. Their children learn this perverted behavior, also very early, and will later do the same; and so this perverse behavior continues for millennia. Unless people are willing to SEE the perversion of their parents and are ready to consciously refuse to imitate it.
You are not being "sickeningly sarcastic," you only dared to speak out the truth that most people are afraid of seeing or talking about.” Alice Miller
Just like Alice Miller wrote in the introduction of her book The Body Never Lies “ As long as the children allow themselves to be used in this way, it is entirely possible to live to be one hundred without any awareness of one’s personal truth and without any illness ensuing from this protracted form of self-deception. A mother who is forced to realize that the deprivations imposed on her in her youth make it impossible for her to love a child of her own, however hard she may try, can certainly expect to be accused of immorality if she has the courage to put that truth into words. But I believe that it is precisely this explicit acceptance of her true feelings, independent of the claims of morality, that will enable her to give both herself and her children the honest and sincere kind of support they need most, and at the same time will allow her to free herself from the shackles of self-deception.”
Here are some signs that you may have been raised by a covert narcissistic mother:
Gaslighting
Covert narcissists may use gaslighting to make their children doubt their perceptions of reality. This can include denying past events, distorting facts, or blaming their children for family problems.
Intermittent reinforcement
Covert narcissists may offer validation, such as praise, gifts, or caretaking, in an inconsistent way. This can create a dynamic that keeps children coming back for more.
Sensitivity to criticism and rejection
Children of narcissistic parents may be highly sensitive to criticism and rejection. This can lead to self-judgment and shame in response to feedback at work, criticism from a partner, or even innocent comments from a neighbor.
Preoccupation with others' emotions
Children of covert narcissistic mothers may become good at anticipating or reading the negative emotions of others. This can lead to a preoccupation with trying to contain those emotions before they appear or turn on you.
Other signs that you may have been raised by a narcissist include:
Conditional love
A focus on themselves
Difficulty distinguishing between reality and imagination
Exactly! Sit or lie down and let yourself feel the intense repressed emotions of the child you once were.
Once our painful feelings are understood and consciously felt within the context of our childhood, they start to subside and are replaced with love and compassion for ourselves and others.
Otherwise, you will be driven by the repressed emotions of the child you once were to hurt others, yourself, or both. Just like my enlightened witness wrote: “Should we as adults be treated in the same way as our parents treated us as children, many of us - especially if we have been through therapy - can become aware of the cruelty endured before. But the knowledge of the whole amount of cruelty can still rest repressed because the terror happened when we did not yet have a name for it. For this reason, we need what we call "the transference", hating, for instance, another person instead of our mother or father.
The transference is unavoidable if we were once abused, as children. It can also be highly confusing.
But it can be liberating as well if we are ready to see it as a consequence of our early life.
If we have summoned the courage to look our outraged, hateful YOUNG parents in the eyes,
and to feel the fear of the small child we once were, then the misleading, confusing, and defensive role of the transference disappears.
We can then strive to feel the fear of the small baby, scared to death by the two big human beings holding our body and soul in their hands and doing or saying to us whatever they wanted, totally careless about our future, about what consequences their abuse might have on our lives.
They acted like robots, directed by their own childhoods, unable of any kind of reflection whatsoever.
If we don’t want to become like them we must strive to SEE them as exactly as possible. We can use in this way the transference as a means for discovering the feelings of the small child that we once were and to deepen our understanding of him or her. At this moment the transference becomes our guide that will enable the small child in us to BELIEVE what their body KNEW its whole life but his mind could never believe: that so much evil and hatred can be directed towards a small, innocent child only because the parents have endured the same and have never questioned this.” Alice Miller
Here is where most of humanity is stuck. unconsciously and compulsively looking for scapegoats or poisonous containers to temporally alleviate their own childhood repression. Repeating exactly what their own parents did to them and this vicious circle goes on endlessly...
A narcissist will be angry at you for finding out the truth about them
THE TRUTH TRIGGERS THE NARCISSIST'S RAGE
These words by Alice Miller go right to the heart! Yes, the amnesia of politicians or leaders of sects does afflict countless people. We are witnessing how Putin's amnesia of his childhood repression is hurting the Ukrainian people! "Kafka was hardly aware of the fact that the main sources of his imagination were deeply hidden in his early childhood. Most writers aren't. But the amnesia of an artist or writer, though sometimes a burden for their body, doesn't have any negative consequences for society. The readers simply admire the work and are rarely interested in the writers' infancy. However, the amnesia of politicians or leaders of sects does afflict countless people, and will continue to do so, as long as society remains blind to the important connections between the denial of traumatic experiences in early childhood and the destructive, criminal actions of individuals.”
"When a narcissist lands in your life, you may believe you have met “the One.” Narcissists dazzle you with gifts, attention, and promises of undying love. Once in the security of a relationship, that dazzling image erodes and most of their less healthy traits become all too apparent. There are recognizable signs that you may be in a relationship with a person who has a narcissistic personality disorder."
Yep! "THE WORLD IS increasingly designed to depress us. Happiness isn't very good for the economy. If we were happy with what we had, why would we need more? How do you sell an anti-aging moisturizer? You make someone worry about aging. How do you get people to vote for a political party? You make them worry about immigration. How do you get them to buy insurance? By making them worry about everything. How do you get them to have plastic surgery? By highlighting their physical flaws. How do you get them to watch a TV show? By making them worry about missing out. How do you get them to buy a new smartphone? By making them feel like they are being left behind.
To be calm becomes a kind of revolutionary act. To be happy with your own non-upgraded existence. To be comfortable with our messy, human selves, would not be good for business." Matt Haig
No, wanting to change is not enough. Me too. I don't know any narcissists who have healed, but I know many pretending to be healed, acting as if personality pretending to be good people but are wolves in sheep's clothing. You need a truly enlightened witness and the courage to face and feel your painful truths. Narcissists lack courage and are nothing but a bunch of cowards. They will never change. I have compassion for the children they once were, but I have no compassion for the monsters adults they have become.
Narcissists are like black holes because they can drain others of their energy, light, and life. Narcissists may lack certain qualities in themselves, such as self-esteem, confidence, authenticity, and contentment, and may try to take those things from others.
It's difficult to resist the pull of a narcissist,
but people can learn to improve their
ability to do so by resolving their own childhood repression. They also suggest
educating oneself about narcissists and
narcissistic abuse.
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition that can cause people to have an inflated sense of their own importance, and to have an excessive need for attention and admiration. People with this disorder may also have trouble understanding or caring about the feelings of others.
COVERT NARCISSISTS
are very difficult to recognize and even more difficult to expose. They appear wounded and gentle, even vulnerable and humble. They portray themselves as dedicated to a path of "enlightenment." but don't practise what they preach. They reel you in by appealing to your sense of empathy. The lack of overt arrogance will derail your fears and suspicions. they epitomize; a wolf in sheep's clothing. Beware.
- Author Unknown
Me too, I don't memorize anything. I can retrieve any information I want in books and in the internet. I'm very grateful for my ability to see, feel and think clearly.
“The grandiose person is never really free; first because he is excessively dependent on admiration from others, and second, because his self-respect is dependent on qualities, functions, and achievements that can suddenly fail.” ― Alice Miller, The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self
COVERT NARCISSISTS
are very difficult to recognize and even more difficult to expose. They appear wounded and gentle, even vulnerable and humble. They portray themselves as dedicated to a path of "enlightenment." but don't practise what they preach. They reel you in by appealing to your sense of empathy. The lack of overt arrogance will derail your fears and suspicions. they epitomize; a wolf in sheep's clothing. Beware.
- Author Unknown
lies, lies, lies If you catch them in a lie, they'll cover that lie with another one. If you confront their behavior, they'll lie to deflect negative attention. When they're setting you up for a fall, they'll lie to anyone who'll listen, detailing your "crazy" behavior.
Lies are their base line normal and no relationship can thrive under these conditions.
THE NARCISSIST IS MAD BECAUSE THEY CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW YOU ARE STILL GOING ON WITH YOUR LIFE AFTER THEY LIED AND BUILT A WHOLE TEAM TO GO AGAINST YOU
"We are all prisoners of our childhood, whether we know it, suspect it, deny it, or have never even heard about the possibility. The realization that we can free ourselves from the consequences of old wounds will gain ground as more people prove it can be done. Inevitably, resistance to following this path is great, as we all fear our repressed past and the experience of how helpless we once were. We have had good reason to be afraid; if we did not, there would have been no need for repression. Yet the more we encounter our fear and dare to see its causes, the more it decreases." Read more here
In my book A Dance to Freedom, I prove it that it can be done! And once you break free from the emotional prison of your childhood, not even a mob of sociopaths, like I had at my job of nine and half years, can trap you and take you back to the emotional prison of your childhood.
Very true: "Therapy brings permanent benefits only when the truth about the past is made accessible and remains accessible for the rest of our lives. Only if we remain open to our constantly evolving feelings - today, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow - and have the tools to understand them can we claim health, clarity, and independence for ourselves. Claim them, and maintain them. Only thus can we keep our feet on firm ground, and not be dependent on drugs, gurus, groups, or theories that teach us how to change our past. " Read more here
No one so far has come close to getting it this deep like Alice Miller has: "5. It is a great mistake to imagine that one can resolve traumas in a symbolic fashion. If that were possible, poets, painters, and other artists would be able to resolve their pain through creativity. This is not the case, however. Creativity helps us channel the pain of trauma into symbolic acts; it doesn't help us resolve it. If symbolic revenge for maltreatment received in childhood were effective, then dictators would eventually stop humiliating and torturing their fellow human beings. As long as they choose to deceive themselves about who really deserves their hatred, however, and as long as they go on feeding that hatred in symbolic form instead of experiencing and resolving it within the context of their own childhood, their hunger for revenge will remain insatiable (see Miller 1990a)." Read more here
“A child cannot be raised to be loving---neither by being beaten nor by well-meaning words; no reprimands, sermons, explanations, good examples, threats, or prohibitions can make a child capable of love. A child who is preached to learns only to preach and a child who is beaten learns to beat others. A person can be raised to be a good citizen, a brave soldier, a devout Jew, Catholic, Protestant, or atheist, even to be a devout psychoanalyst, but not to be a vital and free human being. And only vitality and freedom, not the compulsions of child-rearing, open the wellspring of a genuine capacity to love.” -
”Poisonous Pedagogy. The pedagogical conviction that one must bring a child into line from the outset has its origin in the need to split off the disquieting parts of the inner self and project them onto an available object. The child’s great plasticity flexibility, defenselessness, and availability made it the ideal object for this projection. The enemy within can, at last, be hunted down on the outside. Peace advocates are becoming increasingly aware of the role played by these mechanisms, but until it is clearly recognized that they can be traced back to methods of child raising, little can be done to oppose them. For children who have grown up being assailed for qualities, the parents hate in themselves can hardly wait to assign these qualities to someone else so they can once again regard themselves as good, “moral,” noble, and altruistic. Such projections can easily become part of any Weltanschauung.” Alice Miller
“…unwanted children are usually mistreated. But there exist as a rule also a huge amount of people who were "wanted" indeed, but only for playing the role of the victims that their parents needed to be able to take revenge on. They were wanted to give their parents what the parents never had gotten from their own parents: love, adoration, attention and so many other things. Otherwise, why would so many people have five or more children when they have no time for them? Why do they adopt children if their body refuses to give them what they apparently "want? The never acknowledged, never felt pain of their childhood calls for being avenged. They go to church, they pray, they honor their parents, forgive them everything – and they mistreat their children at home, often in a very cruel way, AS IF THIS WERE THE MOST NATURAL THING, because they learned this so early. Their children learn this perverted behavior, also very early, and will later do the same; and so this perverse behavior continues for millennia. Unless people are willing to SEE the perversion of their parents and are ready to consciously refuse to imitate it.
You are not being "sickeningly sarcastic," you only dared to speak out the truth that most people are afraid of seeing or talking about.” Alice Miller
Just like Alice Miller wrote in the introduction of her book The Body Never Lies “ As long as the children allow themselves to be used in this way, it is entirely possible to live to be one hundred without any awareness of one’s personal truth and without any illness ensuing from this protracted form of self-deception. A mother who is forced to realize that the deprivations imposed on her in her youth make it impossible for her to love a child of her own, however hard she may try, can certainly expect to be accused of immorality if she has the courage to put that truth into words. But I believe that it is precisely this explicit acceptance of her true feelings, independent of the claims of morality, that will enable her to give both herself and her children the honest and sincere kind of support they need most, and at the same time will allow her to free herself from the shackles of self-deception.”
There is no way to true liberation without pain. People do all kind of things no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing and feeling their own painful truths. One does not become enlightened by affirmations, rituals and meditation, but by facing and feeling our painful truths.
Narcissists have secret lives. They lie effortlessly. They are two faced - appearing with a perfect public image that most people believe. In the shadows, when no one is looking, they do tremendous damage to family, friends, coworkers and those who live with them.
Narcissism can be similar to a cult in a few ways:
Narcissistic families
Can be like small cults, with a narcissistic parent as the leader, submissive followers, and people who want to please the leader. Family members may feel isolated from the world and have difficulty developing a sense of self outside of the family.
Narcissistic relationships
Can be like cults, where one person, such as a romantic partner, friend, or workplace colleague, hijacks reality and controls the other person. The leader may use manipulation, lies, scare tactics, and coercion to control the other person, who may then provide the leader with praise and adulation.
In narcissistic families, personality disorders can cause intense emotions to circulate and be passed down through projection, transference and identification. This can lead to a distorted reality for family members, who may have difficulty developing a sense of self outside of the family system.
Narcissistic personality disorder is a lifelong mental health condition, but treatment can help manage symptoms and reduce its impact on relationships, work, and self-esteem. People living with narcissists can also try to preserve their well-being by setting strong boundaries, building a support network, and working with a therapist who's knowledgeable about narcissism.
Just like every self-respecting cult, the narcissistic family has its own deep-seated secrets and bizarre traditions. Unquestioning obedience is usually valued over freedom of thought and action. The narcissistic parent is all-powerful, all-knowing and intransigent.
Yes, they are very talented at playing the victim role.
"The thing that concerns me most about cult groups is the unconscious manipulations that I have described in detail in my work. It is the way in which the repressed and unreflected childhood biographies of parents and therapists influence the lives of children and patients entrusted to their care without anyone involved actually realizing it. At first glance, it may seem as if what goes on in cults and cult-like therapy groups takes place on a different level from the unconscious manipulation of children by their parents. We assume that in the former instance we are in the presence of an intentional, carefully planned, and organized form of manipulation aimed at exploiting the specific predicament of individuals.
In my view, however, this allegedly conscious exploitation can also be traced back to unconscious motives. Terrible as the consequences were, I do not believe, for example, that the two initiators of “feeling therapy,” discussed earlier, actually set out to establish a totalitarian regime. It was the power they gained over their adherents that made them into gurus. And this is what I have in mind when I refer to the unconscious aspects of manipulation. In the end, they themselves become the victims of a process with an inexorable logic of its own, a process they were unaware of because they had never given it any thought.
Thus they sparked off a conflagration they were unable to control, much less extinguish. First, they had learned how to reduce people to the emotional state of the helpless child. Once they had achieved that, they also learned how to use unconscious regression to exercise total control over their victims. From then on, what they did seemed to come automatically, in accordance, with the child-rearing patterns instilled into them in their own childhood." Alice Miller
Narcissists don't discard you for someone better. They discard you for someone who can't see through their lies. E.S.
Narcissists have the illusion that if they get rid of the person that can see through them, then, their problems will be solved but actually will keep getting much worse as they get older. Narcissists punishment is to live and die in an emotional prison.
They will do anything to look like the perfect person...
...and destroy anyone who threatens to expose their deceit.
The Narcissist leaves no fingerprints just a ghostly image of their abuse
Narcissists never want to talk about what they did. However, they'll happily exaggerate how you reacted.
This hit me like a brick:
My therapist told me: "Manipulation is when. they blame you for your reaction to their toxic behaviour but never discuss their disrespect."
The narc's addiction
Nothing is more terrifying for the narcissist than glimpsing the truth of who they really are. It is at the core of their pathology. People are tools to the narcissist that serve a distinct purpose. Specifically, to feed their beliefs about the fantasy land they have created where they rein as superior, omnipotent and perfect beings. This need is such that they are effectively addicted to securing evidence that supports these beliefs, hence the term 'supply'. Their addiction is the dependence on external reinforcement that their false self-beliefs are based in fact, in order to keep the knowledge of their true selves at bay.
The people that have enabled the narcissist are just as toxic as them.
The abuse doesn't end with you just leaving the narcissist. Often it marks the beginning of a whole new hell of abuse. Please hang in there.
YOU DO NOT NEED VALIDATION AND AN APOLOGY FROM A NARCISSIST.
The devaluing you went through is closure. The lies are the closure. The lack of respect is closure. How they treated you is enough and the closure you need.
The ideal outcome for the abuser is to succeed in making the other “evil,” which transforms the evil into something more normal because it is now shared. He wants to inject the other with what is bad in him. To corrupt is the ultimate goal.
THE TOXIC MONSTER YOU SAW IN THE END IS WHO THEY TRULY ARE. NEVER DOUBT YOURSELF AGAIN WHEN THEY PLAY NICE.
Narcissists cheat on their partners because they believe cheating is a justified solution to their unhappiness, which they blame their partners for.
Narcissists are super critical and accusatory of others, just to remind themselves they are superior, but they fume with anger and despise it when someone is critical of them in return, or points out any truth about them.
THE NARCISSIST CALLS YOU CRAZY, INSECURE, JEALOUS AND SENSITIVE. TO KEEP YOU FROM THE REALITY OF.
I LIED TO YOU, I CHEATED ON YOU, I DISRESPECTED YOU, I DISCARD YOU, I TWISTED EVERY ARGUMENT, I MADE YOU DOUBT YOURSELF, I ISOLATED YOU, I STOLE FROM YOU.
Narcissists claim their exes are crazy, as it's easier than admitting they cheated on them repeatedly, lied to them daily, gaslit them constantly, bankrupted them financially, took away all their friends and family, controlled them coercively, hurt them emotionally, and then leave them once they'd drained them completely.
A NARCISSIST IS A CON ARTIST, THEY SELL YOU A DREAM AND DELIVER A LIVING NIGHTMARE.
Emotional Abuse in the Workplace "Physical violence can be testified to be outside evidence: eyewitness, police, and medical reports. With emotional abuse, there is no proof. It's a clean violence. Nobody sees anything.
Violence and abuse originate in companies when envy of power and perversity collide. The overpoweringly destructive examples of emotional abuse in couples are less likely to be found but, unfortunately, the small abuse of daily living that does exist in businesses are largely trivialized or ignored.
In companies, universities, and institutions, harassing orabusive proceduresare more stereotypical than in the private arena.
They are no less destructive, although the victims are less exposed because they often leave (illness or resignation) in order to survive.
WHAT IS ABUSE? By emotional abuse in the workplace, we mean any abusive conduct---whether by words, looks, gestures, or in writing---that infringes upon the personality, the dignity, or the physical or psychical integrity of a person; also, behavior that endangers the employment of said person or degrades the climate of the workplace.
… Businesses, as well as the media, have tended to focus on sexual harassment, which is only one aspect of harassment in the larger sense. This psychological war in the workplace consists of two elements:
. Abuse of power: often quickly revealed and not accepted by the employees . Emotional manipulation: more insidious and more destructive from the beginning
Emotional abuse and harassment start harmless enough and spread insidiously. Initially, the people involved are reluctant to take offense and gloss over quarrels and bullying. Later, the attacks multiply and the victim is regularly besieged; he is made to feel inferior and submitted to hostile and degrading maneuvers over a long period.
Obviously, one does not drop dead on the spot as a result of these aggressions, but one does lose a part of oneself. One gets home every night worn out, humiliated, and damaged. It’s difficult to recover. WHO IS TARGETED Contrary to what their aggressors have others believe, victims are not, at the outset, particularly weak or mentally unhealthy individuals. Quite the opposite: harassment is often set in motion when a victim refuses to give in to a boss’s authoritarian procedures. She is targeted because of her capacity to resist authority, even under pressure. …
…The victim is stigmatized once the process of harassment gets going. They say she’s impossible to work with, has a terrible disposition, or even that she’s crazy. They attribute to her character the consequences of the conflict, forgetting what she was before or what she is now in another context. Pushed to the limit, she often becomes what the employer wants her to become.
ISOLATION Once the decision has been made to psychologically destroy an employee, in order to forestall any possible defense, the person must be isolated by breaking up potential alliances.It’s much more difficult to rebel if you’re alone, especially if you’ve been made to believe that everyone is against you.
...The goal of the abusive individual is to gain or maintain power by whatever means possible or else to mask his own incompetence.
In order to accomplish this, he must get rid of anyone who impedes his progress or sees through him.
Stalking the Soul by Marie-France Hirigoyen from the chapter about Emotional Abuse in the workplace.
“Authoritarian personalities are ones that “kiss above and kick below”, in other words, they are loyal to their leaders, but will attack those of lower rank. They also protect their “in-group” and attack the “out-group”. Social Dominance Orientation (SDO) personalities, on the other hand, tend to be those who lead the authoritarians, they are more interested in being on top.”
"What can you do?
Unfortunately, this is a type of personality disorder, and there is little you can do when working for or with this type of person. If you are working for this person long term, you need to leave the organization or company as soon as possible. Their negativity will be extremely stressful and ultimately do damage to your career. [And your health! No job is worth health destruction)
Do not think you can talk to the person and ask them to consider changing. They do not allow anyone to challenge them, and they despise admitting mistakes. In fact, if you are questioning their decisions or behavior, they have already put a plan in motion to whisper about your own competency or value to the company or organization."
