What Happens To The Children Of Extreme Narcissists?

I know of a narcissist who once told me she wanted to have a child to have an heir for her money because she didn't want some of her family members to get her money. 

She's misplacing or transferring all of her unresolved repressed hatred into some of her aunts and cousins. That's sad to have a child to take revenge on her aunts and cousins. 

These are lies she is telling herself to mask her compulsion to bring a child into her emotional prison and the fears of being alone. She would be better off giving her money to a charity. That's what I'm going to do! Give most of my money to a charity that helps animals like PETA. 

She is turning 43 years old this year, the same age her mother was when gave birth to her. As of now, she has been following the footsteps of her mother, her compulsion to have a child too has to be kicking in at full force. If she succeeds in carrying a pregnancy to term and giving birth to a new being, this child will become her scapegoat or poison container of all her unresolved repressed emotions, just like she was to her parents when she was a small child. And the vicious circle will go on endlessly. 

Some of her aunts and mother, whom she hates so much never had access to enlightened information when they were young to help them break the vicious circle. She on the other hand has been introduced to enlightened information and still can't break free from the chains of compulsion repetition. She is taking the same footsteps as the people she judges and hates so much. 

As long as people's childhood repression goes unresolved they will be driven by the repressed emotions of the child they once were into the state of repetition compulsion sooner or later in one form or another. There is no escape. 

The easiest way to guarantee to always have a scapegoat or a poison container at your disposal to constantly use to alleviate your unresolved childhood repression is to give birth to them.

 If the repression stays unresolved, the parents’ childhood tragedy is unconsciously continued on in their children

“…unwanted children are usually mistreated. But there exist as a rule also a huge amount of people who were "wanted" indeed, but only for playing the role of the victims that their parents needed to be able to take revenge on. 

They were wanted to give their parents what the parents never had gotten from their own parents: love, adoration, attention, and so many other things. Otherwise, why would so many people have five or more children when they have no time for them? 

Why do they adopt children if their body refuses to give them what they apparently "want? 

The never acknowledged, never felt pain of their childhood calls for being avenged.

 

They go to church, they pray, they honor their parents, forgive them everything – and they mistreat their children at home, often in a very cruel way, AS IF THIS WERE THE MOST NATURAL THING, because they learned this so early. 

Their children learn this perverted behavior, also very early, and will later do the same; and so this perverse behavior continues for millennia. 

Unless people are willing to SEE the perversion of their parents and are ready to consciously refuse to imitate it.

You are not being "sickeningly sarcastic," you only dared to speak out the truth that most people are afraid of seeing or talking about.

....Poisonous Pedagogy. The pedagogical conviction that one must bring a child into line from the outset has its origin in the need to split off the disquieting parts of the inner self and project them onto an available object. 

The child’s great plasticity flexibility, defenselessness, and availability made it the ideal object for this projection. 

The enemy within can, at last, be hunted down on the outside. 

Peace advocates are becoming increasingly aware of the role played by these mechanisms, but until it is clearly recognized that they can be traced back to methods of child raising, little can be done to oppose them. 

For children who have grown up being assailed for qualities, the parents hate in themselves can hardly wait to assign these qualities to someone else so they can once again regard themselves as good, “moral,” noble, and altruistic. Such projections can easily become part of any Weltanschauung.

…society we live in continues to turn a blind eye to the facts of child abuse in all its forms. Among thousands of professors at hundreds of universities, there is not one single university chair for teaching about child abuse and cruelty to children. 

Why? Because that cruelty successfully masquerades as parenting and education” Alice Miller, taken from the book “The Truth Will Set You Free” page, 101

"I think that violent teenagers are demonstrating what happened to them emotionally when they were small. I have no doubt about that. 

It might not always be a harsh discipline but in most cases, there is emotional neglect, lack of authentic communication, of warm, friendly contact. 

If this lack is also covered by what is called "spoiling" (buying a lot of expensive objects to replace love), the child is often unable to detect the neglect and stays bound to denial. 

Anyway, every child must deny the pain in order to survive. 

Only in adulthood is it possible to realize the truth. 

But the more the childhood history is repressed, the more its cruelty is denied, the less these young people are able to feel, to confront the actual reasons for their distress, and the stronger they feel urged to act destructively. 

They do not always have conscious memories of what happened in their childhood, especially in infancy, but this knowledge is stored up in their body's cells and, amazingly enough, they threaten others exactly the same way as they were threatened at the beginning of their life.

Unfortunately, the common, ever-present avoidance of the issue of "childhood" doesn't make things easier. I discuss this problem in my book Paths of Life, 1999, and The Truth Will Set You Free, 2002.

What Happens To The Children Of Extreme Narcissists?

"A loving parent values their child, just for who they are. This parent loves their child unconditionally and nurtures them so that they can grow into the best version of themselves.

The narcissistic parent, by contrast, sees their child as an extension of their own ego and as their “property.” The child is a reflection of the parent and belongs to the parent. Either the child is seen by this parent as conferring some advantage in life, or the child is seen as a burden and a nuisance; often both.

The child of extreme narcissists is never seen for who he or she is, and is never appreciated just for him or herself. The extremely narcissistic parent can only enjoy and exploit their child for what the child does for them or how the child makes them look to others.

The “love” the extreme narcissist gives to their child is a pseudo-love that’s shallow and conditional and doesn’t come close to meeting the child’s real needs. As a result, the child grows up with an empty space inside them that was supposed to have been filled with parental love and validation.

As they’re growing up, the child of the extreme narcissist can go in one of two directions. They can channel their low self-esteem and need for love and approval into people-pleasing, trying to get others to accept and validate them. Or, they can compensate for their deep feelings of inadequacy by inflating their fragile ego and becoming grandiose. They can become as narcissistic as their parent was.

The children who grow up to be people-pleasers seem, on the surface, to struggle a lot more in their lives, as they look to others to make them feel good about themselves. They are insecure and they go to great lengths to obtain approval from those around them. They focus on making other people happy, rather than on taking care of themselves.

The children who grow up to be narcissists might achieve some measure of success, in that their inflated self-worth can lead them to attain certain goals, but they can never be truly happy. The emptiness within them will never be filled by following in their narcissistic parent’s footsteps. They will never have real love in their lives and all their accomplishments will ultimately feel meaningless.

The paradox is that the children who grow up to be narcissists don’t see that they have a problem. Their inflated ego denies the deep wound within them. They’re unable to recognize the empty hole where self-love should be, so they can’t conceive of real ways to fill this void. They’re doomed to remain narcissists, pursuing external gratification and seeing others merely as a source of this gratification or an obstacle to it.

The children who grow up to be people-pleasers, on the other hand, have the capacity for insight into their own behavior. They’re able to look at their choices and take responsibility for their behaviors. These people-pleasers can use counseling or therapy to build their self-esteem and fill that emptiness within them. They can learn to love themselves and receive love from others, without having to earn it through pleasing.

The child of the extreme narcissist who grows up to be a narcissist themselves is doomed, in the same way as their parent is, to a life of empty, exploitative relationships and the compulsive pursuit of external solutions – money, fame, power, influence – for their real inner needs for closeness, happiness, and meaning.

The child of a narcissist who grows up to be a narcissist themselves might look like they’re doing better, but they’ll never live a good life. The child of the narcissist who grows up to be a people-pleaser is the much luckier one, as they have a real chance to change and to live a full and satisfying life with real love and real meaning."

Read more in the link below:

https://marciasirotamd.com/psychology-popular-culture/happens-children-extreme-narcissists-2