Thank you for writing. In order for me to get an e-mail to inform me someone left me a comment I need to subscribe to my own posts and I keep forgetting to do that. Thank goodness I subscribe to my last post and got and email notifying me someone left me a comment and then reading your last comment I found out you had left me a comment on the post "Letter to D" also.
Your comments mean a lot to me too, it’s nice to be acknowledged, and please feel free to write me anytime, it’s no bother at all, I enjoy reading your comments. I might not answer you right away, because I have what I call a real job that that takes a lot of my time and plus writing is one of the hardest things in my life to do, but you can be assure eventually I will answer you!
I don’t like labels period, especially the label of psycho/sociopath, because is nothing more than people’s repressed emotions of the wounded child they once were driving them blindly into actions that hurt themselves, others or both, and by reading your comments you seem to be very aware of the wounded child in you and taking responsibility for it, so I don’t think you are a psychopath/sociopath. To me a true psychopath/sociopath are those that memorize good knowledge but they don’t use this knowledge to help themselves first and remain wolves inside wearing sheep’s clothes deceiving themselves and others, so they don’t have to face their internalize parents going on idolizing their parents and childhood so not to face and feel their fears of being alone with the painful excruciating feelings of the child they once were and Like parrots use this good knowledge to manipulate others, posing as loving caring people, but under their illusion of love, they misguide their followers into a deeper trap making it harder for true liberation to ever be possible to them and for the people blindly following them.
I too was raised at first in the cult of the catholic religion and then my older sisters became involve with a destructive cult that believes in the insane reincarnation theory. And I too went through the feelings of betraying them, but you are not betraying them, but going along with their illusion of love and seductive lies would be betraying yourself. The more you get in touch with the feelings of the child you once were and feel them in the right context the more you will be able to distinguish between genuine and pretend feelings and never again be deceived by people masquerading with the illusion of love.
Feeling afraid is normal and before you can feel the painful feelings of the child you once were you have to make it safe for you, create a safe place “ a home” were you are safe and free to feel. Guilty feelings are the reins unconsciously our parents and society install on us to control us and to keep us chained into their emotional prison for eternity. This quote by Alice Miller explains how these guilt feelings are installed: “If we were always punished by our parents for the slightest offense, then we integrated a very different kind of knowledge: that owning up to our mistakes is dangerous because it loses us the affection of our parents. The legacy from this experience can be permanent feelings of guilt.”
We must find the courage to remove these reins and feel the pain that we were not loved, because real love does not keep us chained by guilt feelings.