Dear H,
Thank you for writing.
I’m so sorry to hear you are not in a good place.
If you can’t show your true feelings towards L or K, maybe it's because the little girl within you doesn’t trust them fully, and you need to accept that at this time, but most importantly, can the little girl within you trust the adult in you to show you and express to you her authentic feelings?
I have learned most, if not all, people out there are not safe to express our authentic feelings with, because of their unresolved repression, they will most likely turn against you sooner or later in one form or another. Some are passive-aggressive, standing on the sidelines, witnessing and hoping that another malignant narcissist or sociopath succeeds in breaking you down. This has been my experience since I published my book; if I didn’t have truly resolved my repression, I would have been broken down by now, especially with the sociopaths in the “mental health field.” Why haven't any congratulated me on my incredible journey to liberation? Still, I feel, they all stand on the sidelines silently hoping a sociopath eventually succeeds in regressing me to the emotional prison of my childhood and finish the job to break my spirit or murder my soul that my childhood abusers started and were not able to finish.
I think Alice Miller was the only genuine, honest, and authentic person out there because I’m pretty sure if they were more out there, I would have found them or they would have seen me by NOW! And this is why Alice Miller was constantly persecuted and deceived by people pretending to be genuine, just as I’m experiencing. Her experience is my experience. She was alone, just like I am. Even those who worked closely with her are not real. I would never have discovered how fake they are if I hadn't written and published my book. And just for that, I'm delighted I wrote and published my book. What the public sees and the reality behind the scenes are two completely different things, and I would never have gained insight into the latter if I had not written and published my book.
Alice took a risk with them, just as I have been taking a risk with people, hoping they wouldn’t turn on me. However, I know that no matter who I get involved with, there is always the chance they might turn on me at any time. Still, there is no other choice; we either take a risk or live the rest of our lives in solitude and never get involved with anyone again, which I’m totally okay with. For now, I choose to take a risk.
But the silence of those sitting on the sidelines is more hurtful than the ones that dare to come after me, because those that come after me, I can shine the light on them. They expose themselves, but the ones sitting on the sidelines, they stay hiding in the dark like cockroaches praying and hoping someone eventually succeeds in breaking me and declare me mentally instable to discredit me and my book, so their own fears of being exposed for the fraud that they are can be put to rest, they are a bunch of cowards hoping someone else does their dirty work, so they hands stay clean.
But the silence of those sitting on the sidelines is more hurtful than the ones that dare to come after me, because those that come after me, I can shine the light on them. They expose themselves, but the ones sitting on the sidelines, they stay hiding in the dark like cockroaches praying and hoping someone eventually succeeds in breaking me and declare me mentally instable to discredit me and my book, so their own fears of being exposed for the fraud that they are can be put to rest, they are a bunch of cowards hoping someone else does their dirty work, so they hands stay clean.
It’s impossible to have honest personal relationships with people who have not faced or are not willing to look in the mirror to face their own repression. And those who appear to be good at personal relationships have just mastered the art of faking it to perfection.
“…but if I say, that I carry a lot of hate towards her… [well most of this hate most like belong towards your parents or childhood caregivers and once understood and felt in the right context this hate should start to subside, and some of this hate might be caused by k because she might not be there the way you need her to be] ..it is hate I bear towards myself… [here you making yourself the scapegoat and this is one major reason you stay stuck because you blame yourself and not the real culprits that hurt you when you were a defenseless and powerless little girl.] Sylvie, the more I write, the more I feel the pain and the invasiveness of my writings... [This is good, keep on writing.] Life is not about thoughts; it is about emotions. And I am not there. [Just try to feel a little bit at the time, you can’t do it all at once, be patient with the little girl within yourself, the more it starts trusting you, the more it will express and reveal to you]
I don't want to lose you, even if I think all this Alice Miller stuff has ruined my life. This sounds crazy and weird. [You can’t lose me! But what would be really tragic is if you lose yourself. Blaming Alice Miller for ruining your life is again making someone else your scapegoat and letting the real culprits go scot-free. This is why you stay stuck and can’t move on, because you have a hard time understanding and putting all your feelings in the right context. Once we understand and consciously feel all of our feelings in the right context, they start to diminish pretty quickly. Like a little child that is allowed to express her/his authentic feelings, they will get through her/his hurt feelings pretty rapidly and will go back to playing freely and enjoying life.]
With L, I have the feeling that she touches me very deeply inside. She wants me to be honest. This is a chance to change my life… She wants to know if I want to spend time with her or not. It is a general question, not a thing of a timetable... she deserves an answer. And I don't know what to say... and this is what irritates her...[Being honest with ourselves and others is always good and a must, because only with honesty and the truth can we make a consciously informed decision; otherwise, our relationships are a lie. I witness most relationships out there are a lie glued by fear of being alone.]
I don't want to be the bad person, to say no, but she would stand this, one should be able to say yes or no, or not at the moment, or something, and why so... " I don't know" is not a grown-up answer. I ran away from something with her. " I can't tell" is the only answer I can give her. I would rather kill myself than say yes or no.”[If you don’t know, then you are giving her an honest answer -- don’t be afraid of being seen as a bad person, if people see you as a bad person for speaking your truth, it’s their problem, not yours, and will be liberating to you. How others perceive me is not my problem and not a concern of mine. It doesn’t mean I like it when someone doesn’t see me and only sees their own reflection of themselves in me, and the bad person they accuse me of being, it’s really them. Still, I have no control over people’s reflections, and I just walk away and let them go find another mirror and scapegoat. Free at last!]
Remember Liliane Rombout, the therapist from the Netherlands who wrote to me in 2014, and I thought she might be real. I asked her if she would like to write the foreword to my book, and in the end, she turned out to be a big disappointment; she became very critical and accused me of protecting my mother. Anyway, her nightmare just keeps on going; she sat with the critique of my book all these years, and now she has decided to change her name and publish her critique of my book under her new name! She never predicted that I would figure out that Liliane Rombout and Olane Roos are one and the same. Isn’t this the calculated move of a malignant narcissist or sociopath?! Everything blew up in her face because I made it all public in my blog posts, linked below. Now, people have all the facts and evidence, and they can draw their own conclusions based on the facts and evidence.
There's no such thing as good or bad people.
There are unconscious or repressed people acting as if personality pretending to be good people, but are wolves in sheep's clothing, who can turn against you at any moment and do their evil acts behind closed doors without witnesses.
And some unconscious people can't act or pretend, and they do their evil acts in the open and usually get caught and end up in jail.
It's the level of repression that makes some people very dangerous! And some people are not as dangerously repressed.
And of course, there are a few of us who have taken responsibility for our own childhood repression and come from a place of honesty and authenticity.
There are unconscious or repressed people acting as if personality pretending to be good people, but are wolves in sheep's clothing, who can turn against you at any moment and do their evil acts behind closed doors without witnesses.
And some unconscious people can't act or pretend, and they do their evil acts in the open and usually get caught and end up in jail.
It's the level of repression that makes some people very dangerous! And some people are not as dangerously repressed.
And of course, there are a few of us who have taken responsibility for our own childhood repression and come from a place of honesty and authenticity.
I hope you find a more peaceful place soon.
Hung in there,
Sylvie
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