Sometimes we can see clearly why someone hurt us—and still choose peace over revenge. Understanding doesn’t mean allowing manipulation back into our lives; it means breaking free from the illusion that love requires sacrifice. This reflection grew from reading a Psychology Today article and seeing, once again, how even the most “educated” people can be blind to the emotional roots of human suffering.
I just read a deeply insightful article on Psychology Today titled “How Fawning Fosters Distance in Adult Relationships.” Like so many analyses I’ve come across, it beautifully describes the emotional tragedy that plagues millions—including my sister MI, who once had me sign an irrevocable power of attorney and embezzled some of my dancing savings.
But unlike many, I don’t carry anger toward her anymore. I understand why she did it: she is emotionally blind. Her obsession with money and control is a coping mechanism—a way to numb pain she cannot face. She still believes that if she could just get more money, everything would finally be okay. But money alone solves nothing. In fact, it becomes an anesthetic, deepening the wound it pretends to soothe.
I know she would like to be close to me again, but I can’t. Love without boundaries becomes self-betrayal. MI still can’t let go of the illusion of control, and I can’t risk being manipulated by that illusion again.
Because the truth is simple: as children, we couldn’t move away from those who hurt us. As conscious autonomous adults, we can—and must.
Knowledge Isn’t Enough
Many mental health professionals today write brilliant analyses about trauma, depression, and addiction. They know these ailments have roots in childhood pain, neglect, and loss. But when it comes to healing, they reach for the same old tools—yoga, meditation, 12 steps, or controlled drugs—all of which merely manipulate or repress authentic feelings once again.
As I wrote in my earlier blog, "Many Professionals Do Great Analyses", “As long as people go on repressing their authentic feelings, they will be driven by them into the state of repetition compulsion—reenacting their disastrous childhood dramas in one form or another.”
The problem is not a lack of educated people or theories. It is an emotional blockage.
Education without emotional courage only creates more sophisticated forms of denial.
As I once wrote in "Education Alone Is Just Another Illusion":
“The so-called ‘professionals’ or ‘educated people’ hide behind rationalizations and seductive theories to protect themselves from having to face their own emotional pain. It takes courage to see, face, and feel our painful truths; intelligence alone is not enough.”
The Real Revolution: Enlightened Witnesses
Alice Miller understood what true prevention requires. She wrote:
“In a progressive maternity ward, a woman having her first baby should have access to enlightened assistance in perceiving and becoming fully aware of the body memories surfacing within her. This would prevent her from passing on traumas of her own childhood (abandonment, violence, and so on) to her baby.”
Imagine if every new mother and child were visited by enlightened witnesses—people who could help them feel, not just think, their way toward consciousness. That is where healing begins.
Lloyd deMause captured this truth perfectly:
“All social violence—whether by war, revolution, or economic exploitation—is ultimately a consequence of child abuse... Unless we employ our social resources toward consciously assisting the evolution of child-rearing, we will be doomed to the periodic destruction of our resources, both material and human.”
We keep trying to repair damaged adults instead of protecting children from damage in the first place. Humanity doesn’t need more intellectuals—it needs more child helpers, more enlightened witnesses willing to feel.
Why Humanity Remains Shackled
As long as childhood repression remains unresolved, people will remain trapped in the chains of compulsive repetition. They will seek scapegoats, chase illusions of control, and mistake drama for life itself.
Most people are connected not by love, but by guilt, fear, hatred, and money.
And yet freedom is possible—though it comes with many losses.
“Freedom ain’t free. It comes with many losses. Stop fighting and walk away. Take time to mourn and heal. At the end of mourning, you feel so free and good that you never thought it was possible.”
When we face and consciously feel our excruciating repressed emotions within the context of our own childhood, they begin to subside. This is how we free ourselves. Once your childhood repression is resolved, no one can push your buttons ever again—because you no longer have buttons to be pushed.
The Courage to Feel
Alice Miller once asked:
“Since adolescence, I have wondered why so many people take pleasure in humiliating others. Clearly, the fact that some are sensitive to the suffering of others proves that the destructive urge to hurt is not a universal aspect of human nature. So why do some tend to solve their problems by violence while others don't?”
The answer lies in repression. The grandiose person is never free. As Miller wrote:
“He is excessively dependent on admiration from others, and his self-respect is dependent on qualities, functions, and achievements that can suddenly fail.”
The more one represses, the more one must seek external validation, control, and scapegoats to keep from collapsing inward.
The flame of truth, however, once lit, never goes out. Plato was right.
The human soul longs for freedom—and only emotional truth can grant it.
Ecstasy Beyond Repression
Life becomes pure ecstasy when you are free from childhood repression.
When the inner child’s pain is finally understood and consciously felt within the context of our childhood, the adult self can live fully, freely, and compassionately.
Until that day, humanity will continue to live in illusions—mistaking intellect for consciousness, and control for love.
But for those who have the courage to see, feel, and mourn, the reward is unimaginable: freedom, clarity, and peace.
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