Friday, March 15, 2024

Confronting the Internalized Parents

We have to confront the internalized parents in ourselves if we don't want to become like them. 

Marty, my boyfriend of 10 years triggered my internalized older sisters that raised me. 

Growing up I had promised myself I would not become like them but all I had done until I met Marty was to repress them. Marty was the perfect trigger to bring them to the surface and I was becoming like my older sisters and hated myself and Marty for it. 

My older sisters used to stalk me and here I caught myself stalking Marty just like I was stalked when I was little. He forced me to confront my internalized older sisters and liberate myself to become a true mature conscious adult!

Falling in love and sexual attraction means that we have found the perfect person to trigger us, rise to the surface, all that was repressed in us; no one can trigger in us what is not already in ourselves. Once we have faced our repression and felt the excruciating feelings of the child we once were in the right context. We don’t fall in love anymore and have sexual attraction. We are in love; and if we meet another person in love, and if we choose to stay together, then we'll be two people in love together. We find love when we are love. Falling in love is more dangerous than most people are willing to admit. If we knew falling in love meant going into all the dark chambers of the soul, none of us would risk it. To become a real lover in life involves opening up our whole being.

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2012/01/no-divorce-or-separation-cannot-make.html

People need to heal their traumas by confronting their internalized parents with the help of a truly enlightened witness, to develop their inner child to truly grow and leave the parents and become autonomous independent adults. 

Otherwise, it is just like leaving one cult to join another. How can I make it clear that until we feel the repressed emotions within the context of our own childhood, we will never leave the prison of our childhood, and it doesn't matter if we never talk to our family of origin again, because we just keep endless reenacting our childhood drama with substitute mothers and fathers’ figures in one form or another?  

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2014/02/how-use-of-information-is-abused.html?m=1

Transference

I seem to have the talent of triggering people’s repressed emotions of the child they once were, but handling people’s transference I am not as good as I like to be. It’s never comfortable when people project or transfer into me their repressed hatred of the child they once were at their parents.

 “Should we as adults be treated in the same way as our parents treated us as children, many of us - especially if we have been through therapy - can become aware of the cruelty endured before. But the knowledge of the whole amount of cruelty can still rest repressed because the terror happened when we had not yet a name for it. For this reason, we need what we call "the transference", hating, for instance, another person instead of our mother or father.

The transference is unavoidable if we were once abused, as children. It can also be highly confusing.

But it can be liberating as well if we are ready to see it as a consequence of our early life.

If we have summoned the courage to look our outraged, hateful YOUNG parents in the eyes,

and to feel the fear of the small child we once were, then the misleading, confusing, and defensive role of the transference disappears.

We can then strive to feel the fear of the small baby, scared to death by the two big human beings holding our body and soul in their hands and doing or saying to us whatever they wanted, totally careless about our future, about what consequences their abuse might have on our lives.

They acted like robots, directed by their own childhoods, unable of any kind of reflection whatsoever.

If we don’t want to become like them we must strive to SEE them as exactly as possible. We can use in this way the transference as a means for discovering the feelings of the small child that we once were and to deepen our understanding for him or her. At this moment the transference becomes our guide that will enable the small child in us to BELIEVE what their body KNEW it’s whole life but his mind could never believe: that so much evil and hatred can be directed towards a small, innocent child only because the parents have endured the same and have never questioned this.

http://www.alice-miller.com/en/about-transference/

Here is where most of humanity is stuck. unconsciously and compulsively looking for scapegoats or poisonous containers to temporally alleviate their own childhood repression. Repeating exactly what their own parents did to them and this vicious circle goes on endlessly...

Thursday, March 14, 2024

Elon Musk is Reenacting his Childhood Drama on the Stage of the World

Elon Musk is reenacting his childhood drama on the stage of the world unconsciously and compulsively, telling his true story by treating others the same way he was treated as a small child. He gives us evidence that money, success, and intelligence alone are not enough to liberate a person from his childhood emotional prison. 

As long as people's childhood repression goes unresolved -- they will be shackled into the chains of compulsion repetition -- and it doesn't matter how well anyone articulates very nice ideas... The problem is not a lack of knowledge and educated people, there are plenty of educated people with intellectual knowledge, the problem is an emotional blockage with the so-called “professionals” or “educated people” hiding behind their rationalizations and seductive theories to protect themselves from having to face and feel their own emotional pain. It takes courage to see, face, and feel our painful truths, intelligence alone is not enough; but it rather helps create seductive, rationalizations, theories, illusions, and lies. 

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2016/05/education-alone-is-just-another-illusion.html?m=1

""Only unflinching realization of one’s own past reality, of what really happened can break through the chain of abuse. If I know and can feel what my parents did to me when I was totally defenseless, I no longer need victims to befog my awareness. I no longer need to reenact what happened to me with the help of innocent people because now I KNOW what happened. And if I want to live my life consciously, without exploiting others, then I must actively accept that knowledge.

..Am I saying that forgiveness for crimes done to a child is not only ineffective but actively harmful? Yes, that is precisely what I am saying. The body does not understand moral precepts. It fights against the denial of genuine emotions and for the admission of the truth to our conscious minds. This is something the child cannot afford to do, it has to deceive itself and turn a blind eye to the parents’ crimes in order to survive. Adults no longer need to do this, but if they do, the price they pay is high. Either they ruin their own health or they make others pay the price – their children, their patients, the people who work for them, etc." -- Alice Miller



Friday, March 8, 2024

Why Narcissists Stumble When they Can't Control You


At my age I don't give people second chances anymore! 

If you try to make me your scapegoat or poison container once, or try to control me or manipulate me in any way and it will be the last time, because I have learned to walk away, mourn my losses and move on. 




Thursday, March 7, 2024

Cordiality

Just because I'm cordial and I refused to be used by MC to join her unresolved repressed hatred to satisfy her thirst for revenge -- don't think NOW you can manipulate me -- to use me for what you want... 

MC is too emotionally blinded by the unresolved repressed emotions to see that taking revenge, especially on scapegoats, does nothing for us other than digging our graves. If she doesn't manage to stop her compulsion to want to take revenge all she is doing is digging her own grave.

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2017/05/scapegoating.html?m=1

I refuse to let myself be someone's puppet no matter how much charm and charisma they have, who they are and how much money they have.

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2018/06/we-live-in-world-of-puppets-and.html?m=1

All the time MC spent with me was not to learn and grow into a mature conscious adult but to collect information she could use against other people, including me, to give her an advantage in the games people play. 

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/search?q=the+games+people+play+

In 2020 I wrote her a letter to tell her that she has been at a crossroads for a long time and the time has come to choose what road she wanted to take -- the road most traveled or the road less traveled -- but she paid no attention to it -- and I just let her be -- but now life is forcing her to make a choice and unconsciously she is picking the road most traveled and taking the same road of her mother and of most people in our world that's why is the road most traveled!  She thinks is better, superior, and on top of her game but you were once on top of your game too, the people going through insolvency that she makes a lot of money of, they too once thought, they were on top of their game. These are illusions that can end at any time! 

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2020/09/at-crossroads-pick-road-less-travelled.html

MC or anyone can change roads at any time but have to find the courage to stand alone and walk alone.

 https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/search?q=fears

There is a saying here in the US that says: the chickens are coming home to roost and that's exactly what is happening NOW! "The idiom "chickens come home to roost" means that past actions or mistakes cause problems later. 

"...I had this hope 30 years ago when I wrote the Drama of the Gifted Child. I thought that showing the truth could change so much. Meanwhile, I became more skeptical or just more impatient after I discovered the fear of the beaten child in all of us that built up the omnipresent resistance against the truth." Alice Miller

(Me too like Alice Miller I had the hope that the writing of my book would help pass this knowledge to the masses, but like Alice Miller, I have become skeptical, and with the writing of my book, I too learned that people's repressed fears at the parents builds omnipresent resistance against the truth. People rather destroy others than face and consciously feel their repressed fears to see the truth. This is why I have been harassed, prosecuted, and ostracized in the workplace since I published my book A Dance to Freedom. I understand people's fears of consciously feeling their childhood pain that they have been trying to keep repressed all of their lives, but it is still disappointing that pretty much everyone I meet doesn't dare to face their fears and become real and grow into a mature conscious adult) 

"...It is impossible without liberating the strong bitterness of the abused child we hide deep in our bodies because of the fears of our parents. Unfortunately, ALL religions FORBID this emotional liberation, they rather allow wars, some of them even consider wars as sacred because they have never understood that feeling the legitimate rage PROTECTS us from acting out in wars and criminality. The last is organized exactly by people who DON’T feel."

The words below by Alice Miller articulate what MC is becoming if she doesn't manage to stop her compulsion for revenge.

"The unconscious compulsion to revenge repressed injuries is more powerful than reason. That is the lesson that all tyrants teach us. One should not expect judiciousness from a mad person motivated by compulsive panic. One should, however, protect oneself from such a person." Alice Miller -- Breaking Down the Wall of Silence page 82

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/search?q=protect+ourselves

https://youtube.com/shorts/Ii1GRDdsFcA?si=uZjqt241d61m4R-R



Sunday, March 3, 2024

9 benefits of living alone that society rarely talks about

"Living alone can feel like a big, intimidating leap into the unknown. It’s a journey that society often overlooks, focusing more on the value of companionship.

What if I told you that living alone has its own unique benefits? Benefits that are rarely talked about, but can truly enhance your life.

In this article, we’re going to dive into the incredible perks of solo living. Just you, your space, and the freedom to live exactly as you please.

Join me as we explore 9 benefits of living alone that society rarely discusses. Benefits that might just make you reconsider the way you perceive solitude.

1) Personal freedom

Living alone often means an unparalleled level of personal freedom.

When you’re living solo, you’re the master of your own domain. No compromises on the thermostat, no debates over what to watch on TV, and certainly no judgment for eating cereal for dinner.

This freedom is more than just about being able to do what you want when you want. It’s about being able to live your life on your terms, without having to answer to anyone else.

You can create an environment that perfectly suits your tastes and needs. You can be messy or neat, loud or quiet, early bird or night owl – all without the worry of disturbing someone else.

Living alone allows you to fully express yourself within your own space. And in a world where we often have to compromise and conform, this personal freedom is a luxury that’s rarely discussed.

But it’s a precious benefit of living alone that we should truly appreciate. Because it’s not just about freedom from others – it’s about freedom for you."

I totally agree with the author of this article.  I love my freedom! Click on the link below to read all the 9 benefits of living alone.

https://geediting.com/9-benefits-of-living-alone-that-society-rarely-talks-about/



Sunday, February 18, 2024

It's an Opportunity for Healing

Couldn't agree more with the statement in this  youtube short vedio in the link below. 

We have to face and feel our painful truths head-on.

Many people would rather kill and be killed than face their own painful truths.

We understand a lot about human motivation once we realize one thing: ninety-nine percent of humanity spends ninety-nine percent of their time trying to avoid facing and feeling painful truths.

With my book I show people how to get through the pain and be free to live our authentic lives and develop two healthy legs to stand on our own two feet. 

Just like I wrote in my book on pages 129, 163, and 164:

“The key to effective therapy is learning how to use your present triggers productively. They can help us clarify, understand, and consciously feel our intense emotions within the context of our own childhoods without losing our adult consciousness. A good therapist can help us regain our adult consciousness if we lose it and encourage our autonomy, so we can deal with present issues from an adult perspective.

 Just remember this: If particular people or circumstances trigger excruciatingly intense feelings inside you, just keep telling yourself that these are the repressed feelings of the child you once were. Feelings don’t kill anyone no matter how intense they are. Only actions kill. So if you ride your intense feelings into shore, direct them at the real culprits who hurt you when you were a defenseless child and avoid taking any actions you may regret later, you’ll be free and no one will get hurt. As an autonomous adult, you do have some control over the people you let into your inner circle, and you may have to make some relationship adjustments as you do your emotional work. I took a lot of extra time to be with myself in solitude because most of the people in my life just didn’t understand what I was going through. When you’re trying to resolve your repression, being around unconscious people who are doing everything they can to avoid their own truths puts you at risk of relapsing into playing your old roles.”


"...there is a difference between the powerless, legitimate rage of a desparate child that reacts to the cruelty of their parents and the rage of the adult who is attacking others out of denial of their history by immitating the behavior of own parents from the position of “power” (even grandiosity). The first rage (of the child) should be felt and expressed in therapy, it can be then RESOLVED. The second one (of the adult), directed toward scapegoats, can NEVER be resolved (see dictators). If therapists see it as an end point of their therapies and don't enable the patients to confront the early parents and the feelings of that time they do much HARM to them. Staying trapped in the hatred toward scapegoats can’t be the successful end of a therapy. I hope that you can continue your work if you have this difference in mind and can also explain it in your forum." Alice Miller 

"Dictators and the dynamics of cruelty
Every dictator torments his people in the same way he was tormented as a child. The humiliations inflicted on these dictators in adult life had nothing like the same influence on their actions as the emotional experiences they went through in their early years. 

Those years are “formative” in the truest sense: in this period the brain records or “encodes” emotions without (usually) being able to recall them at will. 

As almost every dictator denies his sufferings (his former total helplessness in the face of brutality) there is no way that he can truly come to terms with them. 

Instead, he will have a limitless craving for scapegoats on whom he can avenge himself for the fears and anxieties of childhood without having to re-experience those fears."


"Only unflinching realization of one’s own past reality, of what really happened can break through the chain of abuse. If I know and can feel what my parents did to me when I was totally defenseless, I no longer need victims to befog my awareness. I no longer need to reenact what happened to me with the help of innocent people because now I KNOW what happened. And if I want to live my life consciously, without exploiting others, then I must actively accept that knowledge.

..Am I saying that forgiveness for crimes done to a child is not only ineffective but actively harmful? Yes, that is precisely what I am saying. The body does not understand moral precepts. It fights against the denial of genuine emotions and for the admission of the truth to our conscious minds. This is something the child cannot afford to do, it has to deceive itself and turn a blind eye to the parents’ crimes in order to survive. Adults no longer need to do this, but if they do, the price they pay is high. Either they ruin their own health or they make others pay the price – their children, their patients, the people who work for them, etc." -- Alice Miller


"Pain is the way to the truth. By denying that you were unloved as a child, you spare yourself some pain, but you are not with your own truth. And throughout your whole life, you'll try to earn love. In therapy, avoiding pain causes blockage. Yet nobody can confront being neglected or hated without feeling guilty. "It is my fault that my mother is cruel," he thinks. "I made my mother furious; what can I do to make her loving?" So he will continue trying to make her love him. The guilt is really protection against the terrible realization that you are fated to have a mother who cannot love. This is much more painful than to think, "Oh, she is a good mother, it's only me who's bad." Because then you can try to do something to get love. But it's not true; you cannot earn love. And feeling guilty for what has been done to you only supports your blindness and your neurosis.

I try to reach the child in the readers, allow them to feel. I see my style as ranking keys. Everybody can take one so that they can go open their own door to find something. Or they can say no, I don't want to go through this door; I will return the key. I try to evoke feelings, images. In this way, I offer keys to your own experience. You can then go look at your children and learn from them, not from me. Because only from your own experience can you really learn.

In my first studies, I was very abstract; I wanted to understand the most abstract ideas -- of Kant, Hegel, or Marx. My dissertation in philosophy was very abstract. Now I see that each philosopher had to build a big, big building in order not to feel his pain. Even Freud.

If a child has been molested and the therapist doesn't deny this fact, many things can open up in the patient. The therapist must not preach forgiveness, or the patient will repress the pain. He won't change, and the repressed rage will look for a scapegoat."