The Body Never Lies

If you don't want to get sick just keep your distance or walk away from people that lack emotional intelligence.

The words below by Alice Miller are so true. The body never lies, It sticks to the facts.

“Inability to face up to the suffering undergone in childhood can be observed both in the form of religious obedience and in cynicism, irony, and other forms of self-alienation frequently masquerading as philosophy or literature.  But ultimately the body will rebel. Even if it can be temporarily pacified with the help of drugs, nicotine, or medicine, it usually has the last word, because it is quicker to see through self-deception than the mind, particularly if the mind has been trained to function as an alienated self. We may ignore or deride the messages of the body, but its rebellion demands to be heeded because its language is the authentic expression of our true selves and of the strength of our vitality.” From the book “The Body Never Lies: The Lingering Effects of Hurtful Parenting” by Alice Miller

Another truthful quote by Alice Miller comes to mind: “Children who have been beaten, humiliated, and abused, and who find no witness to come to their aid often develop a grave syndrome in later life: they have no knowledge of their true feelings, fear them like the plague, and are therefore incapable of recognizing vital connections.” — Alice Miller

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2022/05/swords-and-knives-review-of-alice.html

Unfortunately having children is how many people unconsciously deal with childhood traumas. That's how many people get to live long lives by making the vulnerable feel what they themselves can't feel. These words by Alice Miller come to mind: " Individuals who believe that they feel what they ought to feel and constantly do their best not to feel what they forbid themselves to feel will ultimately fall ill---unless, that is, they leave it to their children to pick up the check by projections onto them the emotions they cannot admit to themselves." 

Most People’s Love is Nothing But a Farce, a Sham, and a Façade

Just like Alice Miller wrote in the introduction of her book The Body Never Lies “ As long as the children allow themselves to be used in this way, it is entirely possible to live to be one hundred without any awareness of one’s personal truth and without any illness ensuing from this protracted form of self-deception. A mother who is forced to realize that the deprivations imposed on her in her youth make it impossible for her to love a child of her own, however hard she may try, can certainly expect to be accused of immorality if she has the courage to put that truth into words. But I believe that it is precisely this explicit acceptance of her true feelings, independent of the claims of morality, that will enable her to give both herself and her children the honest and sincere kind of support they need most, and at the same time will allow her to free herself from the shackles of self-deception.” 

Maybe one of the secrets to living a long life is to be disconnected from one’s own truth and feelings, but it’s done at the expense of others and the next generations. When I was a kid I used to say to myself: the pain stops with me and I was willing to die than passing it into an innocent being. I much prefer resolving my own childhood repression to have a chance of living a long life than living a long life at the expense of others. 

....

These words by Alice Miller also come to mind: 

Deception Kills Love

"Only unflinching realization of one’s own past reality, of what really happened can break through the chain of abuse. If I know and can feel what my parents did to me when I was totally defenseless, I no longer need victims to befog my awareness. I no longer need to reenact what happened to me with the help of innocent people because now I KNOW what happened. And if I want to live my life consciously, without exploiting others, then I must actively accept that knowledge.

Am I saying that forgiveness for crimes done to a child is not only ineffective but actively harmful? Yes, that is precisely what I am saying. The body does not understand moral precepts. It fights against the denial of genuine emotions and for the admission of the truth to our conscious minds. This is something the child cannot afford to do, it has to deceive itself and turn a blind eye to the parents’ crimes in order to survive. Adults no longer need to do this, but if they do, the price they pay is high. Either they ruin their own health or they make others pay the price – their children, their patients, the people who work for them, etc." Alice Miller

Me too, I have wasted so much time of my life with narcissistics. I don't have one more minute of my life to waste with these hopeless people. I don't question it anymore. When I see a pattern of lying or gaslighting, I lose interest and no longer engage with them. We can't save others. We can only save ourselves. 

Both narcissists and empaths suffered childhood trauma. The empaths use their pain and anger to help them grow more compassion for themselves and others, not wanting others to suffer like they once did, while the narcissists allow their pain and anger to drive them to take revenge on scapegoats. Vowing to put themselves first. 

Empaths were strong enough not to let the trauma destroy their soul. While narcissists lack the courage to face and consciously feel their pain and anger within the context of their own childhood, they are weak and a bunch of cowards. 

A narcissist demands that you give up everything, especially your soul, in order to be their nothing.

 "Pain is the way to the truth. By denying that you were unloved as a child, you spare yourself some pain, but you are not with your own truth. And throughout your whole life, you'll try to earn love. In therapy, avoiding pain causes blockage. Yet nobody can confront being neglected or hated without feeling guilty. "It is my fault that my mother is cruel," he thinks. "I made my mother furious; what can I do to make her loving?" So he will continue trying to make her love him. The guilt is really protection against the terrible realization that you are fated to have a mother who cannot love. This is much more painful than to think, "Oh, she is a good mother, it's only me who's bad." Because then you can try to do something to get love. But it's not true; you cannot earn love. And feeling guilty for what has been done to you only supports your blindness and your neurosis.

I try to reach the child in the readers, allow them to feel. I see my style as ranking keys. Everybody can take one so that they can go open their own door to find something. Or they can say no, I don't want to go through this door; I will return the key. I try to evoke feelings, and images. In this way, I offer keys to your own experience. You can then go look at your children and learn from them, not from me. Because only from your own experience can you really learn.

In my first studies, I was very abstract; I wanted to understand the most abstract ideas -- of Kant, Hegel, or Marx. My dissertation in philosophy was very abstract. Now I see that each philosopher had to build a big, big building in order not to feel his pain. Even Freud.

If a child has been molested and the therapist doesn't deny this fact, many things can open up in the patient. The therapist must not preach forgiveness, or the patient will repress the pain. He won't change, and the repressed rage will look for a scapegoat." 

Please read the full interview HERE.

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/search?q=the+body+never+lies

Never React to the Narcissist's Mind Games

 

Rise above the sociopaths' bullshit, because reacting to their lies and bullshit, that's what they want and that's what gives them power.

When people are not able to face and feel at the conscious level a painful truth, they will always use rationalizations and the intellect to create a smoke screen to hide the facts from themselves and others; and they rather shoot the messenger than face and feel at the conscious level the pain of their own painful truths.

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/search?q=Rise+above+&m=1

What's Really Inside of You?

 

Now, I am in the same position, but those of us who suffered childhood traumas need the courage and an enlightened witness to get to this position. Sadly, many people lack the courage to face and feel their own painful truths and do the most important work in their lifetimes --- to do their emotional work.

Most people are unconsciously and compulsively looking for scapegoats to take revenge for the wrongs done to them when they were defenseless little children and they would rather destroy others or kill and be killed than face and feel their own painful truths.  

The conversation about the effects of childhood repression in our society needs to start happening in the stage of the world, sooner rather than later, if we want to save ourselves and humanity from falling off the cliff and committing mass suicide. 

Everyone is trying to change the world at the surface, especially so many people using the political machine and religion to manipulate the masses, making things worse in the long run, and no one wants to look at the root causes of how we got here?! Into this messed-up world! It’s very frustrating because trying to change the world at the surface, no matter what people do, the changes will always be just superficial and temporary.

These words by Alice Miller that I quote in my book could not be truer:

“It is not true that evil, destructiveness,
and perversion inevitably form part of
human existence, no matter how often this
is maintained. But it is true that we are
daily producing more evil and, with it, an
ocean of suffering for millions that is
absolutely avoidable. When one day the
ignorance arising from childhood
repression is eliminated and humanity
has awakened, an end can be put to the
production of evil.”
— Alice Miller, Banished Knowledge, p. 143

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2016/07/the-conversation-about-effects-of.html

It takes courage to see, face, and feel our painful truths, intelligence alone is not enough --- intelligence alone just helps create seductive rationalizations, theories, illusions, and lies. 

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2022/04/intelligence-alone-is-not-enough.html

Narcissists Anger Games

Yes, they do. The only regret I have in life is the wasted time waiting for the narcissist to grow into a mature conscious adult. I have learned once a person has developed into a full-blown malignant narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath, they will never change and we must walk away and keep our distance from them to protect ourselves. 

These malignant people would rather kill and be killed than face their own painful truths and childhood repression. 

These words by Alice Miller come to mind: "The unconscious compulsion to revenge repressed injuries is more powerful than reason. That is the lesson that all tyrants teach us. One should not expect judiciousness from a mad person motivated by compulsive panic. One should, however, protect oneself from such a person." Alice Miller -- Breaking Down the Wall of Silence page 82

I did exactly that. We need courage and an enlightened witness to put ourselves back together, though. And be more valued than ever before. But sadly, our world has very few true enlightened witnesses. I wrote my memoir A Dance to Freedom: Your Guide to Liberation from Lies and Illusions, sharing my life experiences and psychological discoveries to be an enlightened witness to others together with Alice Miller's books. 

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2015/05/my-little-reviews-of-books-of-alice.html

I love this analogy, too!

 You are holding a cup of coffee when someone comes along and bumps into you or shakes your arm, making you spill your coffee everywhere.

Why did you spill the coffee? 

"Because someone bumped into me!!!"

Wrong answer.

You spilled the coffee because there was coffee in your cup. 

Had there been tea in the cup, you would have spilled tea.

*Whatever is inside the cup is what will spill out.*

Therefore, when life comes along and shakes you (which WILL happen), whatever is inside you will come out. It's easy to fake it, until you get rattled.

*So we have to ask ourselves... “what's in my cup?"*

When life gets tough, what spills over?

Joy, gratefulness, peace, and humility? 

Anger, bitterness, harsh words and reactions? 

Life provides the cup, YOU choose how to fill it. 

Today let's work towards filling our cups with gratitude, forgiveness, joy, words of affirmation; and kindness, gentleness, and love for others. 

(Shared from a friend whose cup is full of goodness and inspiration.)

I like this analogy, but for those of us with difficult childhoods need to do a lot  of emotional work with the guidance of an enlightened witness to fill our cups with understanding, Joy, gratefulness, peace and humility.

The purpose of life is to stop the chains of compulsion repetition, and become mature conscious adults, and be happy, joyous, and free!

The Essential Role of an Enlightened Witness in Society

By Alice Miller, Ph. D.

Since adolescence, I have always wondered why people take pleasure in humiliating others. Clearly the fact that some people are sensitive to the suffering of others proves that the destructive urge is not a universal aspect of human nature. So why do some tend to solve their problems by violence while others don’t?

Philosophy failed to answer my question, and the Freudian theory of the death wish has never convinced me. It was only by closely examining the childhood histories of murderers, especially mass murderers, that I began to comprehend the roots of good and evil: not in the genes, as commonly believed, but often in the earliest days of life. Today, it is inconceivable to me that a child who comes into the world among attentive, loving and protective parents could become a predatory monster. And in the childhood of the murderers who later became dictators, I have always found a nightmarish horror, a record of continual lies and humiliation, which upon the attainment of adulthood, impelled them to acts of merciless revenge on society. These vengeful acts were always garbed in hypocritical ideologies, purporting that the dictator’s exclusive and overriding wish was the happiness of his people. In this way, he unconsciously emulated his own parents who, in earlier days, had also insisted that their blows were inflicted on the child for his own good. This belief was extremely widespread a century ago, particularly in Germany.

I found it logical that a child beaten often would quickly pick up the language of violence. For him, this language became the only effective means of communication available. Yet what I found to be logical was apparently not so to most people.

When I began to illustrate my thesis by drawing on the examples of Hitler and Stalin, when I tried to expose the social consequences of child abuse, I encountered fierce resistance. Repeatedly I was told, “I, too, was a battered child, but that didn’t make me a criminal.” When I asked for details about their childhood, I was always told of a person who loved them, but was unable to protect them. Yet through his or her presence, this person gave them a notion of trust, and of love.
I call these persons helping witnesses. Dostoyevsky, for instance, had a brutal father, but a loving mother. She wasn’t strong enough to protect him from his father, but she gave him a powerful conception of love, without which his novels would have been unimaginable. Many have also been lucky enough to find later both enlightened and courageous witnesses, people who helped them to recognize the injustices they suffered, to give vent to their feelings of rage, pain and indignation at what happened to them. People who found such witnesses never became criminals.

Anyone addressing the problem of child abuse is likely to be faced with a very strange finding: it has frequently been observed that parents who abuse their children tend to mistreat and neglect them in ways resembling their own treatment as children, without any conscious memory of their own experiences. It is well known that fathers who bully their children through sexual abuse are usually unaware that they had themselves suffered the same abuse. It is mostly in therapy, even if ordered by the courts, that they discover, stupefied, their own history, and realize thereby that for years they have attempted to act out their own scenario, just to get rid of it.

How can this be explained? After studying the matter for years, it seems clear to me that information about abuse inflicted during childhood is recorded in our body cells as a sort of memory, linked to repressed anxiety. If, lacking the aid of an enlightened witness, these memories fail to break through to consciousness, they often compel the person to violent acts that reproduce the abuse suffered in childhood, which was repressed in order to survive. The aim is to avoid the fear of powerlessness before a cruel adult. This fear can be eluded momentarily by creating situations in which one plays the active role, the role of the powerful, towards a powerless person.

But this is not an easy path to rid oneself of unconscious fears. And this is why the offence is ceaselessly repeated. A steady stream of new victims must be found, as recently demonstrated by the paedophile scandals in Belgium. To his dying day, Hitler was convinced that only the death of every single Jew could shield him from the fearful and daily memory of his brutal father. Since his father was half Jewish, the whole Jewish people had to be exterminated. I know how easy it is to dismiss this interpretation of the Holocaust, but I honestly haven’t yet found a better one. Besides, the case of Hitler shows that hatred and fear cannot be resolved through power, even absolute power, as long as the hatred is transferred to scapegoats. On the contrary, if the true cause of the hatred is identified, is experienced with the feelings that accompany this recognition, blind hatred of innocent victims can be dispelled. Sex criminals stop their depredations if they manage to overcome their amnesia and mourn their tragic fate, thanks to the empathy of an enlightened witness. Old wounds can be healed if exposed to the light of day. But they cannot be repudiated by revenge.

A Japanese crew shot a film of therapeutic work in a prison in Arizona, where the method was based, inter alia, on my books. I was sent the video cassette and found the results very revealing. The inmates worked in groups, talked a lot about their childhood, and some of them said, “I’ve been all over the place, and killed innocent people to avoid the feelings I have today. But I know that I can bear these feelings in the group, where I feel safe. I no longer need to run around and kill, I’m at home here, and I recognize what happened. The past recedes, and my anger along with it.”

For this process to succeed, the adult who has grown up without helping witnesses in his childhood needs the support of enlightened witnesses, people who have understood and recognized the consequences of child abuse. In an informed society, adolescents can learn to verbalize their truth and to discover themselves in their own story. They will not need to avenge themselves violently for their wounds, or to poison their systems with drugs, if they have the luck to talk to others about their early experiences, and succeed in grasping the naked truth of their own tragedy. To do this, they need assistance from persons aware of the dynamics of child abuse, who can help them address their feelings seriously, understand them and integrate them, as part of their own story, instead of avenging themselves on the innocent.

I have wrongly been attributed the thesis according to which every victim inevitably becomes a persecutor, a thesis that I find totally false, indeed absurd. It has been proved that many adults have had the good fortune to break the cycle of abuse through knowledge of their past. Yet I can certainly aver that I have never come across persecutors who weren’t victims in their childhood, though most of them don’t know it because their feelings are repressed. The less these criminals know about themselves, the more dangerous they are to society. So I think it is crucial for the therapist to grasp the difference between the statement, “every victim ultimately becomes a persecutor,” which is false, and “every persecutor was a victim in his childhood,” which I consider true. The problem is that, feeling nothing, he remembers nothing, realizes nothing, and this is why surveys don’t always reveal the truth. Yet the presence of a warm, enlightened witness – therapist, social aid worker, lawyer, judge – can help the criminal unlock his repressed feelings and restore the unrestricted flow of consciousness. This can initiate the process of escape from the vicious circle of amnesia and violence.

—Alice Miller, 1997

https://www.alice-miller.com/en/the-essential-role-of-an-enlightened-witness-in-society/

Narcissists are Stuck in Childhood Forever

 

Yes, it will! Narcissism is an epidemic! Just like I said to the ex-wife of someone I know. "The truth is only fucked up people will chase after men and leaves their small baby with a stranger and leans on a man she has no feelings for, has a child with him, and after leaving him uses the welfare system to survive because of her unresolved childhood repression can’t hold on to a job for very long. Most people in our world are fucked up and that's why humanity is doomed." Yes, narcissists are endlessly stuck in the emotional prison of their childhood. The narcissist punishment is living all of their lives and dying in an emotional prison.

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2024/02/the-trash-taking-itself-out.html

Just like I wrote to a family member: "You keep saying you thought I was your friend. I don't know what your interpretation of friendship is, but it seems to you friendship means to go along with you all the time and kiss your ass -- you just want to be surrounded by people that kiss your ass -- and go along with you all the time -- and tell you only what you like to hear. Just because I didn't go along in joining you in satisfying your thirst for revenge NOW I'm your number one enemy!

You really didn't know me if you thought I would just go along with you all the time and I would kiss your ass just because you are well off financially!

You are like the person riding the donkey in the picture above, you use your money as the carrot on the stick to control the people in your life so you don't have to face and feel your fears. I have been saying to people for a very long time: face your fears or they will keep biting you in the ass.  

I'm everyone's friend. I write back to everyone that writes to me and if you wrote to me asking any questions I would answer you back! I'm a friend forever! You might not like what I have to say but you can be assured that you will get an honest answer. "

https://sylvieshene.blogspot.com/2023/02/carrot-and-stick.html

The Narcissists Gift Trap

 

20 Diversion Tactics Highly Manipulative Narcissists, Sociopaths, And Psychopaths Use To Silence You

"Toxic people such as malignant narcissists, psychopaths, and those with antisocial traits engage in maladaptive behaviors in relationships that ultimately exploit, demean, and hurt their intimate partners, family members, and friends, [and coworkers]. They use a plethora of diversionary tactics that distort the reality of their victims and deflect responsibility. Although those who are not narcissistic can employ these tactics as well, abusive narcissists use these to an excessive extent in an effort to escape accountability for their actions."

To read the 20 diversionary tactics toxic people use to silence and degrade you click on the link below.

https://thoughtcatalog.com/shahida-arabi/2016/06/20-diversion-tactics-highly-manipulative-narcissists-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-use-to-silence-you/

 Me too since I was a young girl I always wondered. "Since adolescence, I have wondered why so many people take pleasure in humiliating others. Clearly, the fact that some are sensitive to the suffering of others proves that the destructive urge to hurt is not a universal aspect of human nature. So why do some tend to solve their problems by violence while others don't?"

http://www.alice-miller.com/en/the-essential-role-of-an-enlightened-witness-in-society-2/